Thursday, August 31, 2006
Post-Soviet Air Piano
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Stopping Blood Loss
Monday, August 28, 2006
Progressive Repetitive Hyperfectionism
Within three months, he would give the money back to the customer and say, "How can I help you?" The customer would have to ask for their popcorn and Coke as if nothing ever happened.
Within six months, if Jason made a mistake, he would actually take off his uniform, go out to his car, come back, and put his uniform on, like he was starting a new shift. In the last stages of the disease, he would go home to bed, shave, change his underwear, and then come back in. That's when the manager fired him. I haven't heard from Jason since.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
There once was a man from Nantucket.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Soap doesn't do anything
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Then, a month later, one of my friends became paralyzed, once again from the neck down. We didn't feed him a chimichanga and he survived. He lived, if you can call it living. He made a partial recovery. He is in a wheel chair, and has to use a restraint collar to keep from beating his head against objects. His mouth hangs open and the only way he can communicate is with a series of electronic beeps.
Just a week later, two more of our friends entered a chimichanga eating and had at least 10 each. They were dead less than 3 hours later. The doctors could never pinpoint what killed them, but they were using some kind of chemical for the secret ingredient in the chimichangas. They shut the restaurant down as soon as they found out and arrested and deported the owners.
The sad thing is, after all that, I would still eat them.
Swords for South America
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Tyler and Zach
Tyler and Zach ate two lunches everyday. When the teacher asked a question, he would raise both hands and say "Pick us!" We all thought it was normal for every class to have a person who thought he was twins.
Monday, August 21, 2006
The doctors don't know exactly what happened, but his stomach blew up. It sounded like a whip cracking and then there was pop foam coming out of his belly button and foaming out of his mouth and nose. They rushed him to the hospital and the doctors had to sew his stomach shut kind of like they do in gastric bypass. It streched out his stomach though and now he wins hot dog eating contests.
And I don't even work out.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
The next morning he came out to take a look at it, and it was a black skinned creature with red eyes like an insect and spines on it's back, like a reptile. He'd never seen anything like it so he started searching for things like that on the internet and found out it was a chupacabra. So posted to a forum that he had a dead chupacabra in his possession, and called a TV station. He got out his camera and started taking pictures of it. The FBI must have monitored the internet post or his phone call because they were there in less than 30 minutes.
They arrested my uncle, took the dead chupacabra, the dirt under the body, the chickens it had killed, anything that might have it's DNA. Then they took the camera and my uncle's computer. (it wasn't even a digital camera) They held him in jail for over a week asking him all kinds of questions trying to figure out what he knew and didn't know before they finally released him. Nobody knows for sure what they did to him in there because my uncle has never been the same since.
He quit farming and moved into the city, he got a mop job at a hospital. He started seeing homeless guys coming in with puncture wounds in their neck, drained of all their blood and he knew what it was from. The doctors would always just send them down to the coroner and the FBI would come pick them up. From a lot of the questions they asked my uncle during his interrogation he pieced together that the government is using chupacabras to thin out the homeless population. He's going to write a book to prove it as soon as he can get some more evidence. Every night he wanders the dark streets of Chicago with a gun in his coat, searching for a chupacabra.
Weight Loss Solution
Once the parasites have infested your digestive tract, they will begin feeding upon all the nutrients that your body would normally convert into fat. You'll never have to ride the fat cart at walmart again. You can loose as much weight as you want, and then when you reach your ideal weight, you can simply go to the doctor for a deworming or swallow a couple teaspoons of draino. In either case, it's cheaper than a lifetime of obesity and the heart attacks that go along with it.
Side effects may include upper abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, loss of appetite, rapid weight loss, vomiting, ethiopianism, malnutrition, dehydration, oral and anal bleeding, bloating, gas, abdominal cramping, muscular contractions, fever, loss of short term memory, blisters, athsma, allergic reactions, hydrocephalus, anemia, kidney failure, liver sclerosis, bone loss, AIDs, dry mouth, or death.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
My Dryest Meal
Monday, August 14, 2006
Copper is toxic.
The only problem was that swallowing all that copper gave him a stroke, and now half of his face droops down and he can't talk right. He started swallowing quarters to pay the doctor bills, but they caught on to that.
My Grandpa was an Alien
I think that explains why I can see inside molecules.
Don't wear Hawaiian shirts.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Some native cultures use dog venom as a medicine, but that's not recommended because like apple seeds, large amounts of dog venom can still be toxic to humans.
The Lifetime of a Circle
Friday, August 11, 2006
Tom Cruise, The Rolling Stones, Oprah Winfrey, U2, Tiger Woods, Steven Spielberg, Howard Stern, 50 Cent, The entire cast of The Sopranos, Dan Brown, Bruce Springsteen, Donald Trump, Muhammad Ali, Paul McCartney, George Lucas, Carlton Fisk, David Letterman, Phil Mickelson, J.K. Rowling, Brad Pitt, Peter Jackson, Dr. Phil McGraw, Jay Leno, Celine Dion, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Johnny Depp, Jerry Seinfeld, Simon Cowell, Michael Schumacher, Tom Hanks, Rush Limbaugh, Denzel Washington, The Cast of Desperate Housewives, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Mary Kate but not Ashley Olsen, Nicole Kidman, The Eagles, Rod Stewart, Shaquille O'Neal, Jerry Bruckheimer, David Beckham, Jessica Simpson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, LeBron James, Neil Diamond, Alex Rodriguez, Will Smith, Dick Wolf, Dave Matthews Band, Tom Brady, Ronaldinho, Paul Newman, Ray Romano, Paris Hilton, Adam Sandler, Derek Jeter, Jennifer Lopez, Rick Warren, Scarlett Johansson, Katie Couric, Maria Sharapova, Valentino Rossi, Halle Berry, James Patterson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kiefer Sutherland, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Gisele Bundchen, Renee Zellweger, Carson Palmer, Michelle Wie, Reese Witherspoon, Bill O'Reilly, Kate Moss, Diane Sawyer, Sean (Diddy) Combs, John Grisham, Rachael Ray, Dave Chappelle, Larry the Cable Guy, Tyra Banks, George Lopez, Regis Philbin, Serena Williams, Ryan Seacrest, Wolfgang Puck, Venus Williams, Annika Sorenstam, Matthew Broderick, Mel Brooks, Emeril Lagasse, Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Mario Batali, Sean Connery, Mike Nichols, Adriana Lima, Ty Pennington, and Telly Savalas.
Training update 4: School's out forever.
To get this rank, my final test, as hard as it was, was to kill my master who taught me almost everything I know. The battle lasted for 15 hours and by the end, large segments of the mountain were completely destroyed. In a way I regret that I won, I had such deep respect for my master, but that is the way of the ninja.
I have my first mission at my new rank, which is a simple assassination. Normally it would have been very difficult, but as my last lesson, the monks taught me how to kill telepathically, so I don't have to get very close to the target.
Also, the reason Fidel Castro is in the hospital is because I was practicing before I graduated.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Unclaimed Nigerian Funds Top $76 Billion
Liona Biagros was one such widow who chose to send her plea by email to Miss Tiffany Henderson of St. Paul, Minnesota. Tragically, the email, worth two million dollars, was intercepted by Miss Henderson's spam filter. Ms. Biagros now begs on the street while Miss Henderson is entering seventh grade with an iPod shuffle as her only birthday present.
In a similar case, Mrs. Alice Fontlarue of Fort Worth, Texas, learned recently of her missed opportunity to receive over $10 million in unclaimed funds from Nigeria. "Dang it," she complained, "My friends told me that email was a scam, but I should have listened to my own instincts."
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The Value of the Nickel
Monday, August 07, 2006
Training Update 3
(For those of you that don't know, I'm training in Ju-Sai-Tao at a secret monastery high in the mountains of Tibet)
Today's basic training refresher deals with the ninja art of monkey training. I've been training monkeys to do my bidding for years, but today one of the monks regaled me with a story about how he robbed a diamond from a museum using his trained monkeys to evade the laser detection grid. The monkeys brought the diamond up the side of the building to him, perched on the roof. The beauty of that trick is it leaves no fingerprints, or DNA evidence as long as you kill the monkeys when you're done nothing can ever be traced back to you.
Today I also learned how to use monkeys for assassination missions, to do things like poison people's food. You have to teach the monkeys how to recognize their target, and then how to poison only the target's food or drink, or you could end up with a real mess on your hands as we saw with the 1974 UN Summit on nuclear disarmament in which half of the delegates were poisoned by a monkey who was only supposed to go after the Russian ambassador.
Shoes with wheels in them.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
I've been destroying as many vehicles as the helicopter can airlift up to the monastery every day, there are no passable roads to get vehicles in here. They use a "skycrane" CH-54 Tarhe to tow the tanks up here, but I smash them up real quick. The monastery has a vehicle training course. I'm doing so well that they've agreed to teach me how to dodge bullets tomorrow.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Martial Arts Saved My Life
Friday, August 04, 2006
The Origin of Feng Shui
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Sorry I've been gone
Yesterday, one of the monks taught me how to kill a man by making a high pitched noise that vibrates at the same resonance as the human heart, tearing it apart. It takes a lot of practice to make the sound, and they have me practice on condemned prisoners so it doesn't matter how many of them I kill or how often. I killed 3 guys that way yesterday, today I hope to kill at least 10.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The lying contest.
But the other day I read in the paper that a man in Tulsa, Oklahoma drank 10 Monsters and flew into a rage, killing 56 and injuring 21 more people. The last thing he ever said was "KILL 'EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT 'EM OUT!!!" It took 6 US Marshals to bring him down.