Thursday, August 31, 2006

Reverse Air Conditioner

One morning me and my friends reversed the fan on our friend's air conditioner and waited for it to get hot. As soon as it did, the air conditioner kicked on and sucked all the air out of the house. I guess they had a vent open because it started sucking stuff through like house plants and I think maybe their cat, and all that stuff got chopped up in the fan atop the air conditioner, and blew up in the air like confetti. A couple of their windows broke from the pressure vacuum. We ran away and never told anyone what we did, until now.

Post-Soviet Air Piano

I visited Leningrad after the downfall of the Soviet Union, and it was amazing to see how well the students at the art academy continued their studies without proper supplies. I watched a class where the students had to paint with clear water instead of oils, while the instructors commented on their brush stroke technique. That evening I went to a piano concert recital where they couldn't afford a piano. One student flunked for playing too many wrong notes, but another got a standing ovation for her delicate mime of Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Stopping Blood Loss

My uncle Larry was a Navy seal, and once he failed in his mission so he tried to commit ritual suicide when he got home, which is on page 197 of the US Navy Seals handbook. But his wife came home and found him and started crying so he superglued the wound shut, including the heart valve.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Progressive Repetitive Hyperfectionism

I've only known one person with progressive repetitive hyperfectionist syndrome. His name was Jason and he worked at the same movie theater that I did. As is typical, the disease was barely noticeable at first. If he made a mistake giving change, he would put all the money back in the drawer and start over.

Within three months, he would give the money back to the customer and say, "How can I help you?" The customer would have to ask for their popcorn and Coke as if nothing ever happened.

Within six months, if Jason made a mistake, he would actually take off his uniform, go out to his car, come back, and put his uniform on, like he was starting a new shift. In the last stages of the disease, he would go home to bed, shave, change his underwear, and then come back in. That's when the manager fired him. I haven't heard from Jason since.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Eiffel Tower

Once in my back yard I made a replica of the Eiffel Tower that was fifty feet tall out of popsicle sticks. But the city made me take it down.

There once was a man from Nantucket.

There once was a man from Nantucket, and he had his lawyers send me a cease and desist letter, so I had to take down what I wrote about him.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Soap doesn't do anything

Soap is one of the biggest scams perpetrated on the American public since the "civil" war. The truth is soap really doesn't even do anything, more of a lubricant than anything else. It's just that we've all been taught to use soap so we never try it any other way. If you want to find out for yourself, one day just take a shower without soap. You'll get clean, I promise. The same goes for shampoo. If you have some really ground in dirt every now and then, spread baking soda on it and apply vinegar directly, it's 100 times as effective as soap.

U.S.S. Cookie

The U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC 1701-D from Star Trek, The Next Generation's design was inspired by an oddly shaped cookie that Gene Roddenberry's daughter baked for him.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ninja cereal.

In the mid-1980's, Quaker Oats introduced Ninja Bites, which was basically just Cap'n Crunch in the shape of ninja swords and ninja stars.  They launched the product with a special promotion: free ninja stars.  If you bought a box of Ninja Bites, there would be brightly-colored plastic ninja star buried at the bottom of the box.  I remember getting my arm all sticky digging around in the box instead of waiting until more cereal was gone like my mom told me to.  I got a blue one.  It was a great promotion, except for one little detail: the promise that a handful of lucky eaters would find a real ninja star at the bottom of the box.  Four kids severed fingers digging their hands into the bottom of the box before they issued a massive recall of the brand.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Lethal Chimichanga

My friends and I used to eat at this Mexican restaurant that had the best chimichangas on the face of the earth. They tasted so good we started going there every day, sometimes twice a day. We couldn't figure out what they put in there. One day one of my friends had 4 of them in one day and he became paralyzed from the neck down. 3 days later he suffered a massive heart attack after we brought him a chimichanga and fed it to him in the hospital. The doctors could never figure out what killed him.

Then, a month later, one of my friends became paralyzed, once again from the neck down. We didn't feed him a chimichanga and he survived. He lived, if you can call it living. He made a partial recovery. He is in a wheel chair, and has to use a restraint collar to keep from beating his head against objects. His mouth hangs open and the only way he can communicate is with a series of electronic beeps.

Just a week later, two more of our friends entered a chimichanga eating and had at least 10 each. They were dead less than 3 hours later. The doctors could never pinpoint what killed them, but they were using some kind of chemical for the secret ingredient in the chimichangas. They shut the restaurant down as soon as they found out and arrested and deported the owners.

The sad thing is, after all that, I would still eat them.

Hotel Soap

You know those little bars of soap they give you at a hotel? Well, they aren't new. People usually only use a small bit of the bar, so they take what's left and melt it down and then make new bars of soap. I travel a lot, and I've found a few bars with hairs inside, but once I found one with a toenail clipping. It was like a prize in a cereal box, except nastier.

Swords for South America

I don't tell many people this, but I make swords for a secret kingdom in South America. Their princess who commands the secret army, saw some of the special ritual swords that I made at the county fair, and she fell in love with their beauty, strength, and good sword qualities. She took me to her country for a year to equip her army, but finally I escaped. I still make some new swords for her army now and then.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tyler and Zach

There was this weird kid in my school named Tyler and Zachary, but everyone called him Tyler and Zach for short. His parents thought they were going to have twins, but the ultrasound was wrong. So they gave him both names anyway.

Tyler and Zach ate two lunches everyday. When the teacher asked a question, he would raise both hands and say "Pick us!" We all thought it was normal for every class to have a person who thought he was twins.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Mentos Bomb

You know that science experiment where someone drops mentos into a bottle of coke and it blows up like a bomb? My cousin Larry didn't know about that and he was drinking pop all afternoon. Somebody offered him mentos, and he ate a handful of them.

The doctors don't know exactly what happened, but his stomach blew up. It sounded like a whip cracking and then there was pop foam coming out of his belly button and foaming out of his mouth and nose. They rushed him to the hospital and the doctors had to sew his stomach shut kind of like they do in gastric bypass. It streched out his stomach though and now he wins hot dog eating contests.

Auto-flushing Toilets

A lot of public toilets are now auto-flushing, thanks to sophisticated optical sensors. My cousin's neighbor works at the company that makes the sensors, and he told my cousin that the sensors actually have video cameras in them so that the technicians can remotely calibrate them. Not only can they see you, but they often get a kick out of making the toilet flush while you're still going.

Strength Contest

We just moved over the weekend, and all the movers were these huge guys from the college football team. We had a strength contest and I could lift heavier furniture than any of them.

And I don't even work out.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Vitamin L.

People think I'm gross, because I eat lice out of my hair, but what people don't realize is lice have a vitamin, called vitamin L, that isn't found anywhere else, though it is essential to the body.  In the days before shampoo and stuff, everybody had lice, and everybody ate them.  Now they generally put it into multivitamins, but they don't tell people where it came from.  It's also added to sugar in the same way iodine is added to salt, so people can get it just by eating normally.

Plate Tectonics

90 percent of all earthquakes are cause by the US government trying to raise a new continent from the floor of the pacific ocean. That's why the pacific is surrounded by the ring of fire. The general idea is to expand U.S. Territory without going to war, and all the land will be owned by the politicians involved, so they can sell it for profit.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


My uncle used to have this farm and something was killing his chickens. He kept finding them dead with a hole in their neck, drained of all their blood. One night he hid out in the bushes by the hen house and he saw a creature, he thought it was a coyote, and shot it.

The next morning he came out to take a look at it, and it was a black skinned creature with red eyes like an insect and spines on it's back, like a reptile. He'd never seen anything like it so he started searching for things like that on the internet and found out it was a chupacabra. So posted to a forum that he had a dead chupacabra in his possession, and called a TV station. He got out his camera and started taking pictures of it. The FBI must have monitored the internet post or his phone call because they were there in less than 30 minutes.

They arrested my uncle, took the dead chupacabra, the dirt under the body, the chickens it had killed, anything that might have it's DNA. Then they took the camera and my uncle's computer. (it wasn't even a digital camera) They held him in jail for over a week asking him all kinds of questions trying to figure out what he knew and didn't know before they finally released him. Nobody knows for sure what they did to him in there because my uncle has never been the same since.

He quit farming and moved into the city, he got a mop job at a hospital. He started seeing homeless guys coming in with puncture wounds in their neck, drained of all their blood and he knew what it was from. The doctors would always just send them down to the coroner and the FBI would come pick them up. From a lot of the questions they asked my uncle during his interrogation he pieced together that the government is using chupacabras to thin out the homeless population. He's going to write a book to prove it as soon as he can get some more evidence. Every night he wanders the dark streets of Chicago with a gun in his coat, searching for a chupacabra.

Weight Loss Solution

Obesity costs the health care system billions of dollars a year, and where do those dollars go? To greedy doctors. What the medical establishment doesn't want you to know is that there's an easy, cheap way to loose as much weight as you want. Simply ingest a tapeworm. The cheapest way to get them is to pull them from a dead animal or an infected pet, but you can also order tapeworm eggs online.

Once the parasites have infested your digestive tract, they will begin feeding upon all the nutrients that your body would normally convert into fat. You'll never have to ride the fat cart at walmart again. You can loose as much weight as you want, and then when you reach your ideal weight, you can simply go to the doctor for a deworming or swallow a couple teaspoons of draino. In either case, it's cheaper than a lifetime of obesity and the heart attacks that go along with it.

Side effects may include upper abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, loss of appetite, rapid weight loss, vomiting, ethiopianism, malnutrition, dehydration, oral and anal bleeding, bloating, gas, abdominal cramping, muscular contractions, fever, loss of short term memory, blisters, athsma, allergic reactions, hydrocephalus, anemia, kidney failure, liver sclerosis, bone loss, AIDs, dry mouth, or death.

Stun Ray

My Dad made some kind of a gun that would knock people out, like it let out a frequency and people passed out when you shot them with it. He built it when he was in the navy, when he built computers for the army. It was easy, so he says but he couldn't do it anymore, he forgot how.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Racecar Driver

My old boss Larry made me official driver of his racecars today. That's only natural considering I built them. I was his lead mechanic and his entire race team in one. He has a couple nine second or less dragsters, but I'm more interested in driving the rocket cars instead.

My Dryest Meal

Once on a dare I ate eleven pounds of croutons right out of the box, without any salad dressing.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Copper is toxic.

My cousin Larry used to work at a bank and had a foolproof way to steal. Whenever someone wasn't looking, he'd swallow pennies. The bank hardly kept track of them, because who would steal them anyway? Every day He'd manage to steal like 20 bucks worth of pennies at least just by swallowing them. Of course getting them out of the toilet was a problem, but he built a system for washing them out.

The only problem was that swallowing all that copper gave him a stroke, and now half of his face droops down and he can't talk right. He started swallowing quarters to pay the doctor bills, but they caught on to that.

My Grandpa was an Alien

During summer vacation when I was 8 or 9, I spent a week at my Grandma and Grandpa's house. One day when they had friends over to play Canasta, I snuck up into the attic to look around. My Grandpa told me never to go up there, and he seemed really serious, so I couldn't resist. In the attic I found a metallic box with weird writing on the outside. Inside there was a strange thing that looked like a ray gun. And there was a photograph of two aliens holding a baby alien. The baby had a birthmark on its forehead just like my grandpa! I was so scared. When I put the gun back in the box, it accidentally vaporized a Christmas ornament. I got out of the attic really fast and never told anyone about it until now.

I think that explains why I can see inside molecules.

Don't wear Hawaiian shirts.

I just got an email from my aunt, whose husband is a cop.  It said that there's a gang that wears Hawaiian shirts, and they've been killing unsuspecting victims who don't realize that Hawaiian shirts are part of their gang clothing.  One guy was able to get away, but he said they came up to him and asked him to flash the Hawaiian shirt gang sign, and he didn't know how, so they loaded him into a car and took him out to the docks.  They took his shirt, sealed him in a crate and dropped it off of a pier, but luckily he was able to kick his way out and swim to safety, because he used to be a commando.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Dog Venom

A lot of people don't know this, but dogs are actually EXTREMELY venomous, but the venom isn't toxic to humans. It's very dangerous to other animals, though, this is why dogs are so well known for killing cats. Dogs are responsible for most cattle mutilations, less than a tenth of a milligram of dog venom can be lethal to a cow.

Some native cultures use dog venom as a medicine, but that's not recommended because like apple seeds, large amounts of dog venom can still be toxic to humans.

The Lifetime of a Circle

Everyone thinks that a circle is endless. But actually it only goes around 188,753 times.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Celebrity News

The following celebrities are gay:

Tom Cruise, The Rolling Stones, Oprah Winfrey, U2, Tiger Woods, Steven Spielberg, Howard Stern, 50 Cent, The entire cast of The Sopranos, Dan Brown, Bruce Springsteen, Donald Trump, Muhammad Ali, Paul McCartney, George Lucas, Carlton Fisk, David Letterman, Phil Mickelson, J.K. Rowling, Brad Pitt, Peter Jackson, Dr. Phil McGraw, Jay Leno, Celine Dion, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Johnny Depp, Jerry Seinfeld, Simon Cowell, Michael Schumacher, Tom Hanks, Rush Limbaugh, Denzel Washington, The Cast of Desperate Housewives, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Mary Kate but not Ashley Olsen, Nicole Kidman, The Eagles, Rod Stewart, Shaquille O'Neal, Jerry Bruckheimer, David Beckham, Jessica Simpson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, LeBron James, Neil Diamond, Alex Rodriguez, Will Smith, Dick Wolf, Dave Matthews Band, Tom Brady, Ronaldinho, Paul Newman, Ray Romano, Paris Hilton, Adam Sandler, Derek Jeter, Jennifer Lopez, Rick Warren, Scarlett Johansson, Katie Couric, Maria Sharapova, Valentino Rossi, Halle Berry, James Patterson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kiefer Sutherland, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Gisele Bundchen, Renee Zellweger, Carson Palmer, Michelle Wie, Reese Witherspoon, Bill O'Reilly, Kate Moss, Diane Sawyer, Sean (Diddy) Combs, John Grisham, Rachael Ray, Dave Chappelle, Larry the Cable Guy, Tyra Banks, George Lopez, Regis Philbin, Serena Williams, Ryan Seacrest, Wolfgang Puck, Venus Williams, Annika Sorenstam, Matthew Broderick, Mel Brooks, Emeril Lagasse, Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Mario Batali, Sean Connery, Mike Nichols, Adriana Lima, Ty Pennington, and Telly Savalas.

Training update 4: School's out forever.

I just graduated my Ju-Sai-Tao training at the monastery in Tibet. I've been awarded on a sesquicentennial blackbelt. In laymen's terms, that's like a third degree blackbelt except that it's 150 degrees of pure blackbelt. The cloth is coated with degenerate matter (like you would find in the core of a neutron star) that crashed to earth in a meteorite and is so black that it reflects zero light. It's the blackest fabric on earth.

To get this rank, my final test, as hard as it was, was to kill my master who taught me almost everything I know. The battle lasted for 15 hours and by the end, large segments of the mountain were completely destroyed. In a way I regret that I won, I had such deep respect for my master, but that is the way of the ninja.

I have my first mission at my new rank, which is a simple assassination. Normally it would have been very difficult, but as my last lesson, the monks taught me how to kill telepathically, so I don't have to get very close to the target.

Also, the reason Fidel Castro is in the hospital is because I was practicing before I graduated.

My Cousin

I have this one cousin that I don't really know who is mostly liquid. Basically he lives in a big jar.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Unclaimed Nigerian Funds Top $76 Billion

Since the beginning of this year, the government of Nigeria has collected over US$76 billion from unclaimed accounts. According to official estimates, over a thousand Nigerian millionaires were assassinated or poisoned for various reasons this year, leaving behind widows and/or orphans who could not claim the funds because, tragically, their pleas for help went unanswered by total strangers in less wealthy countries such as the United States.

Liona Biagros was one such widow who chose to send her plea by email to Miss Tiffany Henderson of St. Paul, Minnesota. Tragically, the email, worth two million dollars, was intercepted by Miss Henderson's spam filter. Ms. Biagros now begs on the street while Miss Henderson is entering seventh grade with an iPod shuffle as her only birthday present.

In a similar case, Mrs. Alice Fontlarue of Fort Worth, Texas, learned recently of her missed opportunity to receive over $10 million in unclaimed funds from Nigeria. "Dang it," she complained, "My friends told me that email was a scam, but I should have listened to my own instincts."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Value of the Nickel

Most people round off the U.S. nickel to 5 cents. But unlike other coins in the U.S. currency, the nickel is based on the Icelandic monetary system, and as a result, the actual value is 4.999 cents. That's why for every thousand nickels, bankers have to add a leap nickel.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Training Update 3

Now that I've mastered killing humans with my voice, jumping over and crushing cars, de-tracking tanks, and dodging bullets, the monks are giving me a refresher course on the basics.

(For those of you that don't know, I'm training in Ju-Sai-Tao at a secret monastery high in the mountains of Tibet)

Today's basic training refresher deals with the ninja art of monkey training. I've been training monkeys to do my bidding for years, but today one of the monks regaled me with a story about how he robbed a diamond from a museum using his trained monkeys to evade the laser detection grid. The monkeys brought the diamond up the side of the building to him, perched on the roof. The beauty of that trick is it leaves no fingerprints, or DNA evidence as long as you kill the monkeys when you're done nothing can ever be traced back to you.

Today I also learned how to use monkeys for assassination missions, to do things like poison people's food. You have to teach the monkeys how to recognize their target, and then how to poison only the target's food or drink, or you could end up with a real mess on your hands as we saw with the 1974 UN Summit on nuclear disarmament in which half of the delegates were poisoned by a monkey who was only supposed to go after the Russian ambassador.

Shoes with wheels in them.

I got some of those shoes with the wheels in the bottom, and I was racing down the sidewalk with them when a cop pulled up next to me with his lights on.  He started telling me I wasn't allowed to ride my wheeled-shoes down the sidewalk, since it's only for pedestrians.  I was getting worried that he was going to write me a ticket, but then he was like, "I'm just kidding, man, check this out!" He got out of his car and I saw that he had some shoes with wheels in them, too.  He offered to race me around, but he was a lot faster than I was since I just got mine.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Training update

I just wanted to keep everyone updated on my Ju-Sai-Tao training. I'm still at the monastery, and yesterday they were teaching us how to dodge, jump over, and destroy moving vehicles. Not only have I learned how to jump over cars, but semi trucks as well, and I also learned how to disable the tracks on an M1 Abrams tank with my bare hands. I know Leobro is an expert on this topic but I'm still learning.

I've been destroying as many vehicles as the helicopter can airlift up to the monastery every day, there are no passable roads to get vehicles in here. They use a "skycrane" CH-54 Tarhe to tow the tanks up here, but I smash them up real quick. The monastery has a vehicle training course. I'm doing so well that they've agreed to teach me how to dodge bullets tomorrow.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Martial Arts Saved My Life

Many times, my martial arts skills have saved my life. Yesterday when I was crossing the street, I got hit by a sports car going 60 miles an hour, but with my quick reflexes, I jumped into the air at the exact right time and rolled over as the car passed beneath me. As it did, I struck the center of the roof with the edge of my hand, causing the chassis to collapse. The axles drew sparks along the asphalt as the car spun out of control, eventually crashing into a bank of bushes. I adjusted my glasses and continued crossing the street. Stuff like that happens all the time to me.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Origin of Feng Shui

People in this country assume that feng shui is an ancient Chinese practice. Actually, it was concocted in the summer of 1987 by three friends who were all editors at different publishing companies in New York on their vacation together in Bermuda. Each of the editors wrote books on their invented philosophy, and hired other friends to write more books. Real Chinese people who come to this country have never heard of it.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Sorry I've been gone

Sorry I haven't been posting more interesting facts and true stories, but I've been studying Ju-Sai-Tao, an ancient and secret Chinese martial art at a monastery high in the mountains of Tibet. To get on the internet, I have to climb down several thousand feet of rocky cliffs and mountainside so dangerous that one of my shirpas died, and go to the village where I can use one of the other ninja's computers.

Yesterday, one of the monks taught me how to kill a man by making a high pitched noise that vibrates at the same resonance as the human heart, tearing it apart. It takes a lot of practice to make the sound, and they have me practice on condemned prisoners so it doesn't matter how many of them I kill or how often. I killed 3 guys that way yesterday, today I hope to kill at least 10.

Where's Father?

The origin of the Where's Waldo series of childrens' books is that the author was traumatized at the tender age of five when he was separated from his father at a carnival. After an hour of searching, in tears, the boy finally found his father leaning against a post and just smiling. After the tenth Where's Waldo book, the author stopped having nightmares and has never written or drawn anything since.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The lying contest.

Last week, I was in this competition to see who could write the best lies. I won the grand prize and got $4,000 and a trip to California to design surfboards.

Human Monster

Monster energy drink tastes really good and gives me lots of energy, but I quit drinking it because some combination of the vitamins and herbal supplements can cause extreme aggression in rare cases. On one of my monster binges, I drank 5 of them, and then the cat was scratching on the door, so I grabbed the cat and threw it out into traffic on the expressway with on heave of my monster enhanced mighty bicep. That's when I knew there was a problem and I quit drinking Monster.

But the other day I read in the paper that a man in Tulsa, Oklahoma drank 10 Monsters and flew into a rage, killing 56 and injuring 21 more people. The last thing he ever said was "KILL 'EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT 'EM OUT!!!" It took 6 US Marshals to bring him down.