Thursday, June 29, 2006

The super crazy chicken special.

If you go to any McDonald's location and ask for the super crazy chicken special, they'll give you a free chicken sandwich with special experimental super crazy sauce.  They don't let the general public know about this because it's still in development, but they've got it everywhere.

The flying car.

My dad and I are working on this flying car.  It's a Ford Pinto that we've welded wings on to.  We're still working out some of the bugs, but already we can get it to fly a short distance.  I'm planning on flying it to school on the last day if it's ready by then.

Rat Man

My uncle Larry worked at this military lab where they were doing genetic experiments trying to cross rat genes with humans and they accidentally made a half man, half rat creature. It's about 4 feet tall, weighs 80 pounds, and alternates between running on two legs or bounding on all 4. It's jaw muscles were so strong it chewed it's way out of a steel cage. The guards put 3 bullets into it but it escaped anyway into the sewers and it's been living down there ever since, preying upon stray dogs and cats. I didn't believe the story until I walked over a storm drain, looked down, and saw something huge in there with a pink tail like a garden hose.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The truth about Rice Krispies.

Rice Krispies were originally made with crack, which is why they were marketed with the phrase "Snap, crackle, pop."  If you find an old enough box, you can see it listed in the ingredients.  It's hard to find those boxes, though, because they're very rare and valuable.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Truck Ride

So I was fixing this truck at my dad's shop, and I got it basically all fixed, but I forgot one of the clamps on the muffler so I went out in the parking lot and I was bolting it on when I heard a door slam shut and the truck started. I started yelling at the guy, but he couldn't hear me and took off, my coveralls got snagged on one of his leaf springs and I got drug underneath his truck 5 miles down the road to the local bar. I finally got my coveralls untangled from the spring and I walked in the bar, covered in dirt, blood, and with my clothes all ripped up. The bartender said: "What the heck happened to you?" So I said: "Give me 5 shots of jager, one for every mile this jerk drug me underneath his truck."

The giant bat.

My uncle lives on a farm, and for a while his chickens kept disappearing at night.  Every day, another chicken would be missing.  When two of his cats disappeared as well, he set up a camera to see what was going on.  It turned out it was a giant bat that kept eating his animals.  He and two of his friends went on a four day hunt for the rogue bat, and when they finally tracked it down and killed it, they found a bunch of bones in its cave, including a human skull.

MacGyver-style lemonade.

My favorite episode of MacGyver is the one where he makes lemonade out of a paperclip, an envelope, and a handful of sticks.  Most people haven't seen that one, but I actually tried his recipe and it worked.  MacGyver rules.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The tiny frog man.

Years ago, this toy company released a science kit for kids that helped you take apart a live frog and put it back together with its bones in a different configuration. It would walk around on two legs like a person, grabbing flies with its hands and popping them into its mouth. It was such a cool little kit, but animal rights activists complained and they had to take it off the market. I have one, but since I already used it once I can't use it again because they stopped selling the refill kits for it. I've been offered almost a thousand bucks for it since it's now a collector's item.

Lady in the Water.

At the end of  M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Lady in the Water, it turns out that the Lady is actually a robot from the future, and everything that happened in the preceding hour and a half was just a dream.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Telly Savalas is Gay

My grandpa was at a bar when he was young and this guy sat down and they started talking and laughing. The guy says " do you know who I am?" and as it turns out, it was Telly Savalas. They drank all night, and my grandpa said he had a great time until the bar closed and Telly Savalas asked him to come back to his apartment and tried to hold his hand. Gross.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Super Secret Super Mario

When I was playing Super Mario for NES I accidentally discovered a secret level where Mario gets to break windows and steal car stereos, but I don't what button combo I hit to get there so I never found it again.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

All Natural Mosquito Repellent

Commercial insect repellents contain hazardous chemicals which might even cause cancer. There is a way to make your own insecticide. Use a garlic press to extract the juice out of garlic. Extract the juice of an onion. Mix a 50/50 solution of the onion and garlic juice and rub it on your exposed skin. In many cases this solution is MORE effective than commercial insect repellent, and cheaper, too.

Britney Spears and her parasitic conjoined twin.

My aunt was a nurse at the hospital where Britney Spears was born.  Her public relations people have covered it up pretty well, but when she was born she had a small, deformed twin sister growing out of her shoulder.  It was just a small head and a claw-like hand on a fleshy stalk.  It was severely retarded, mute, and always trying to bite everything.  Britney had to have it removed at the age of four, because it kept biting her so badly that her shirts would always be covered in blood.  It turned out having the twin removed was the best thing to ever happen to her, because it's unlikely she'd be famous now if she still had it.  She never talks about the twin in public, but if you look closely you can see scar tissue on her back from where it used to be, and where it used to bite her.

The spork.

The spork originated in New Zealand, where they have neither spoons nor forks.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The national dish of Mexico.

The national dish of Mexico is, of course, the Mexican pizza.  Most mexican restaurants in the United States are run by ignorant white people, though, so the only place you can get one is Taco Bell.

Man vs. Machine.

There was once a pay-per-view special where some of those Ultimate Fighting guys had to fight some of those robots from those competitive fighting robot shows.  They gave the fighters swords and bats and things, but in the end, they were all defeated.  It was going to be the beginning of a new sport, but on the first try, too many people got killed or seriously injured.  Man is no match for machine.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Rain dancing.

Studies have shown that Native American rain dances actually do cause rain.  However, it is not because of the dance itself, but because of a chemical being released into the atmosphere by the burning of ceremonial aloe plants, known for their moisture properties.  It causes a chemical reaction which makes the clouds too heavy to hold water.

The world's worst fart.

In the Guiness Book of World Records, there's a guy who holds the record for the worst fart.  In 1986, he farted and it stunk so bad that seven people passed out.

Harry Potter.

The Harry Potter books were actually written after the movies.  The books were released first to build interest in the franchise.  They're also actually written by a team of writers, not just one lady.  I know this because my aunt works on the writing team.  She said the lady whose name is on the cover is actually the mother of the kid who plays Harry Potter in the movies.

Endangered Bird

My friend from Arizona killed this bird with his BB gun and he showed his dad, but it was an endangered bird. His dad didn't want to get in trouble so they buried it in the back yard, but the neighbor saw everything that happened and he called the police, so my friend had to go to juvenile hall for 5 years.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dog food is made from other dogs.

My friend used to have this dog and his family really loved it. It had a collar with a big fake diamond on it. The dog was really sick so they took him to the vet and the vet said he had to put him to sleep, and he did. He told the family he would have the dog buried in the pet cemetery. A month later, my friend got a new puppy and he opened up a can of dog food and fed it to the puppy, then the puppy coughed up that big fake diamond from their other dog.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Free video games.

My cousin is a video arcade technician, and he taught me the secret code you can enter into almost any video game machine to give you free games.  As long as the machine has a joystick and at least two buttons, I know how to play without putting in any quarters.  It's a very well kept secret in the video game industry, because if everybody knew the code they would go out of business instantly, but it's also necessary so the technicians can do their job when the games aren't working correctly.

Traditional pancakes.

The pancakes we know today as a common breakfast treat were accidentally developed about 100 years ago, when somebody decided to try cooking one in a pan.  Prior to that, pancake batter was traditionally just dumped onto a plate and consumed  without cooking, sometimes with syrup and/or butter.

The time I foiled a bank robbery.

I built a radio out of a pair of headphones and an antenna from a broken TV. I was too lazy to hook up some kind of tuning device, so I could only pick up stations by pointing the antenna in different directions. I was listening to random things I could pick up when I found two bank robbers talking on walkie talkies about a robbery they were planning. I called the police and was able to get them arrested before they could pull off the job. As a reward, the bank gave me a thousand dollars and I can now get a police escort whenever I want.

Pearl Harbor

A lot of people know that Pearl Harbor started world war 2, but what they don't know is the real reason Japan attacked us. The truth is that the US was secretly holding a UFO there for study there so if it blew up nobody would be able to see it and the government could cover it up. The Japanese attacked and tried to steal it, but my grandpa was in the commando unit that helped fight them off, which is how he knows. Then the US declared war because we couldn't let them get away with trying to steal our UFO.

Saturday, June 17, 2006


Man, when I was in college we were at this party and I had like 12 shots of Jäger before the cops came and started trying to arrest everyone, so my buddies and I all piled in the car and split, but there was this cop chasing us for a couple blocks and then this drawbridge started going up. I thought we were boned but I was so drunk I didn't care so I crashed through the gate and PHOOOOM!!!!! RAMPED OVER THE DRAWBRIDGE, MAN!!! Naw, man, I'm dead serious, and the cop behind us, he tried to jump it but it was too late and they ended up pulling his car out of the canal. Man, I'd never been that drunk before in my life, we had some wild parties.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Software pirates

In 1985, Microsoft was shipping Windows for the first time, but the guys who used to sell illegal software on disc wanted it really bad so they could have it on the street even before the release date. Some of them were with the Russian Mafia, they're really big into counterfeiting. They got on speedboats with machineguns and hijacked one of the ships that was bringing the new software over from the plant in Taiwan. That's how they got the name "software pirates" because they stole that whole boat.

Sour cream cleans your skin.

In a pinch, sour cream makes an excellent soap and body wash. Some people mix baking soda in it to make it even more effective. It works as a shampoo, though not as well.

Nicotine Patches

My friend from Arizona got into his mom's nicotine patches and he took all of them and put them all over his body before a football game. He ran twice as fast as everyone else, when he tackled a kid, he broke his ribs. After the game he was so hyper his parents took him to dairy queen and the guy got his order wrong so he almost choked him to death and then he ran through a plate glass window and died.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The secret handshake of death.

I have a friend who makes a living training rich people, mostly celebrities, in the art of hand-to-hand combat. He taught me a way to kill somebody by shaking their hand and poking a pressure point on their palm. People are always asking me to teach it to them, but I'm too scared they'll misuse it. With great power comes great responsibility.

How to blow up a can of Coke.

This kid I knew where I used to live, Mike, shook up a can of Coke for like, two hours. He wanted to see what would happen if he shook it longer, but it ended up exploding in his hand. He lost two fingers.

Spy dogs.

Our neighbor is this guy who breeds purebred show dogs. He had this dog that was really smart and kept winning all these dog shows because it could do a bunch of different tricks and was really obedient and everything. Late one night, at around two or three AM, he got a knock on his door from some government agents. Because the word had spread that this was such a great dog, they wanted to recruit it to be part of the secret spy dog program. He said he'd rather not, because it was his prize show dog, so the government paid him a lot of money for the dog and now he doesn't have to work.

Organ Donor

I was talking to this cop and he said not to be an organ donor because they print it on your driver's license and one time this bartender needed a new liver because he was a drunk and he started carding guys, and if they were an organ donor he would run them off the road when they left the bar until finally he moved up the list far enough to get one of their livers, but he's not the first guy to do it, he read about it on the internet.

Super Acid

One time my friend’s parents got him this chemistry set and he was mixing these chemicals in a glass beaker and he made an acid so powerful it burned through the jar, through the table and through the floor. He went down in the basement and it burned through the concrete and made a really deep hole, so he tied a hammer to a spool of fishing line and lowered it a thousand feet down. He ran out of fishing line before he found the bottom, he thinks the hole went all the way to the center of the earth, but his dad cemented over it so the cat wouldn’t get in there.

I hung out with Wilford Brimley.

I was at a gas station with my friend, Roger, and we saw this guy who looked really familiar.  I realized who it was, so I asked him if he was Wilford Brimley and he said he was.  We were pretty shocked to be meeting him, but it was way cool.  We hung out for a while before he went our separate ways.  I have his email address and phone number, but I promised him I wouldn't give them out.  He said he'll probably get me a small part in his next movie.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


In the Lord of the Rings book, there's a scene where Frodo vomits and Gollum eats it. They didn't put it in the movie because they thought it was too low brow.

Gay Test

It’s not really well known, but there’s an easy test you can take to tell if you’re gay. Just dip a pregnancy tester into your urine. If it shows pregnant it means you have too many girl hormones and you’re gay. Or if there’s someone you think is gay, you can do this to find out for sure. They keep it a secret because the government uses this to tell if people in the army are gay, but they call it a drug test.

Uncle Larry's brain implant.

My uncle Larry was in the army and got shot in the head, so they gave him a brain implant that functions exactly like the chunk of brain that he lost.  It has a little headphone jack that he uses to plug himself into a computer at night to recharge the battery.  It's experimental, and he's one of only 14 people in the country that have that implant.

Rock and roll in North Carolina.

In the state of North Carolina, it's actually illegal to listen to rock and roll on Wednesdays.  Luckily, it's an old and rarely enforced law.

A guy and his calculator.

You know how if you take a calculator, and add 1 + 1, and then keep hitting equals, it keeps adding another one?  Well, there's this guy who has been doing that since 1976.  He spends every waking minute when he's not eating and stuff just hitting the equals button, adding another one.  He's almost up to a million now.

My favorite Beach Boys tune.

My favorite Beach Boys song is that one that's like, all cussing.  It was the B-Side on a rare single, so most people haven't heard it.  I have a friend who is a vintage record collector, and I heard it at his house on his jukebox.

Why I don't get in fights.

I try not to get into many fights.  It's not that I'm scared of getting hurt or scared of hurting anybody, it's just that I'm a second degree black belt in karate.  If I get in a fight with somebody, I could be charged with assault with a deadly weapon.  The last time I fought somebody, I ended up putting them in a wheelchair.

Tommy's Older Brother

My friend Tommy’s older brother went into the Navy and he was really strong so they made him a Navy seal. The government was running a secret experiment and they gave him these injections that made him even stronger, he could bend a weightlifting bar with his bare hands. One time he was on a mission and this guy stabbed him and he pulled the knife out and killed the guy with it. After that he didn’t want to be in the Navy anymore so he left when his enlistment was over, but the government didn’t want him to leave because of the secret injections, so they make him come in to a lab once a month and get a shot of anti-steroids to make him weaker. If he doesn’t come in every month they say they’ll put him in prison.

The worst thing I ever did.

When I was little, I used to rob our elderly neighbor's home all the time, but I was too young to know it was wrong.  I used to just walk in and steal stuff, and then sell it at the pawn shop down the street. I'd use the money to buy Happy Meals at McDonalds.  I really just wanted the toy.

Why I want to join the Marines.

My cousin is in a secret branch of the Marines that studies the ancient forbidden arts of the orient.  He said once you're initiated into the group and you take a secrecy vow, the first thing they teach you is how to breathe underwater.  It's a long lost Chinese secret.  Basically everything else they learn to do requires that skill, because when these guys are called out on missions, they have to swim around and fight people underwater and stuff.

Easy drain-clog fix with household items.

The best way to fix a clogged drain is to pour a mixture of bottled water and cornbread mix down it and wait 10 minutes.  If the drain remains clogged, heavily spice the water with cinnamon.  That will cause a chemical reaction that burns away the clog.

Your TV is watching you.

Most people don't realize that when your TV is on, it opens a connection to the station that is broadcasting the station you're watching. You can see the show, and they can see into the room where you have your TV.

The lost episode of Happy Days

I once saw this episode of Happy Days where Fonzie stabs a guy. I
keep hoping they show it again, but they never do.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Steven Bumchelk

I knew this kid who was really smart, and he graduated from high school when he was 10, and they said he was going to college, but when he got there the government took him to do experiments on him and nobody knows where he is.

José Canseco

My dentist went to school with this other dentist who knew José Canseco. One time José was at bat, and he took a 98 mph pitch from Nolan Ryan right in the teeth. It knocked out at least half of his front teeth, and my dentist’s friend did reconstructive surgery. Because José was really rich, they made the new teeth with diamond cores so that nothing could break them. Years later, José Canseco was celebrating his birthday at a biker bar and a biker gang wanted to beat him up. One of them punched José in the teeth so hard that he shattered the bones in his knuckles. There was blood everywhere but José wasn’t even hurt and he smiled really big and all the bikers ran away.

Hacking your TV to make it as bright as the sun.

It's not very well known, but if you take apart your TV and take out a certain microchip that's in there, it removes the brightness limiter and you can make the TV as bright as the sun.  We did this as a practical joke to this guy we know.  He turned on the TV and went blind for 3 days.  It was hilarious.

The big spoiler.

My uncle put the biggest available spoiler on his car, and then had his friend from NASA work on it to get it so perfectly aerodynamic that he could easily drive at more than 200 miles per hour.  He said with the right equipment, the NASA guy can do that to basically any car, but it's technically illegal so he only does it for very close friends like my uncle.

Frank's incredibly dangerous game.

My friend Frank McGaster and I used to play this game where we'd throw circular saw blades at each other like frisbees.  We're lucky neither of us either got hurt.  We didn't realize how dangerous it was until Frank accidentally cut down a tree while throwing a saw blade at me.  I don't think I should even be saying anything, because I don't want kids to think it's OK to do that stuff, but I also think I should spread the word so people can learn from our mistakes.

Army tent pills.

The United States Army once developed these tents that were so small they could be carried around in a pill.  When soldiers were on the field and they needed shelter, they could just add water to the pill and it would turn into a tent.  They had to stop making them, though, because sometimes soldiers would think they were aspirin and eat them.  The pills would turn into tents inside of their stomachs and make them die a horrible death.  The Pentagon kept it top secret because they didn't want people to know so many people died from eating tent pills.  My uncle has one of the last remaing tent pills, but he keeps it locked up in a jar so nobody accidentally eats it.

Why black people are so good at sports.

My dad told me that black people have an extra bone in their body that makes them so good at sports.  It helps them jump higher and run faster.  It also helps them rap.

Getting high on iced tea.

This only works with the kind of iced tea that comes in a can.  First, you don't eat anything for 3 days, 4 days if you can wait that long.  When your time is up, you drink at least 2 cans of iced tea as quickly as possible.  My cousin does this all the time and he says it's a really great buzz.  I guess there's some chemical in there that's just like weed but it only works if you haven't eaten anything for a while.  They keep trying to make it illegal but it's pretty hard to do that, so it never works.

Anthony Majeski

There was this guy named Anthony Majeski that supposedly moved away a while back.  I'm really good friends with his family, so they told me what really happened, but I'm not really supposed to tell anybody.  I guess he died because he got into a knife fight with a rebel trucker.  His parents don't want anybody to know because they'll think their son was a criminal.  He just got caught up with the wrong crowd.  We used to hang out.

Your lawn is made of poison.

The grass that grows on the lawns in front of houses is actually deadly toxic, but luckily nobody ever eats it.


The main reason people never want to cross me is because my dad's friend is a locksmith who taught me how to pick locks.  I can pick a lock within seconds.  Most of the time, anyway.  Usually I just need a paperclip or something, but some locks require me to use my locksmith tools.  I got those from the guy, too. You can only buy them if you're a licensed locksmith, but it's legal for me to have them because I didn't buy them.  If you ever need somebody to pick a lock, let me know.

My uncle Larry's wolf.

My uncle Larry has this dog that's actually half wolf. He has to have a special license to keep it. One time somebody tried to break into my uncle's house in the middle of the night. My uncle and his wife were both asleep, and the guy was sneaking around, stealing stuff. The dog cornered the guy and just kept barking at him. It woke up my uncle so he could call the police. The whole time until the police took him away, the dog just kept barking at the guy. He was so scared he peed in his pants, and he kept begging my uncle to get the dog away from him. Another time, the dog mauled my cousin.

Glue traps for bugs.

I heard the best way to catch flies in your house is with a sticky strip made from smearing honey on your windowsill.