Monday, August 07, 2006

Training Update 3

Now that I've mastered killing humans with my voice, jumping over and crushing cars, de-tracking tanks, and dodging bullets, the monks are giving me a refresher course on the basics.

(For those of you that don't know, I'm training in Ju-Sai-Tao at a secret monastery high in the mountains of Tibet)

Today's basic training refresher deals with the ninja art of monkey training. I've been training monkeys to do my bidding for years, but today one of the monks regaled me with a story about how he robbed a diamond from a museum using his trained monkeys to evade the laser detection grid. The monkeys brought the diamond up the side of the building to him, perched on the roof. The beauty of that trick is it leaves no fingerprints, or DNA evidence as long as you kill the monkeys when you're done nothing can ever be traced back to you.

Today I also learned how to use monkeys for assassination missions, to do things like poison people's food. You have to teach the monkeys how to recognize their target, and then how to poison only the target's food or drink, or you could end up with a real mess on your hands as we saw with the 1974 UN Summit on nuclear disarmament in which half of the delegates were poisoned by a monkey who was only supposed to go after the Russian ambassador.


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