Thursday, September 28, 2006

Glass Eye

This eye here, my left eye, is actually glass. But you can't tell because it cost $50,000 and it's perfect. There is only one craftsman in the world who can make eyes like this, and he lives in Switzerland. He only makes two eyes a year. It has a tiny video camera that is wired into my brain lobe so that I can mostly see, but it's in black and white.

Global Warming Hits Home

In 1985, the cold war was approaching the peak of its arms buildup and my cousin Larry had joined the Army. They attached him to a special arctic combat unit which was trained to invade Siberia by crossing the arctic circle and coming across the north pole.

The military injected him with some sort of anti-freezing drug. It wasn't really anti-freezing. It was based off the biochemistry of this frog that can be completely frozen solid and then thawed out and the frog will be perfectly fine. They gave him this stuff to prevent frostbite and hypothermia. That year, tragedy struck when my cousin Larry fell into an ice crevice and was assumed by the military to be dead. His body was never recovered.

Last Wednesday at 5:30 pm, my cousin Larry showed up at his parent's door step, having not aged a day in 21 years. Everyone was so happy to see him, and he explained to us that he had become frozen solid in the ice shelf, but the polar ice cap is melting because of global warming, so the ice he was in broke apart into an iceberg and he washed up on shore in Guatemala, and was perfectly fine when he thawed out. The military still keeps their ice warrior drug a secret, so he's not allowed to talk to the press and he's not even allowed to tell anyone what happened but he told us cause he knew we wouldn't tell anyone anyway.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Rogue Brain

I was in a motorcycle accident once and my doctor said that a small part of my brain was still alive but neurologically cut off from the rest of my brain. It's like there's this part of my brain that is still thinking but I don't know about it.

After the accident, I couldn't remember my last birthday party. I think my rogue brain remembers that party. I hope it was a good party, for my rogue brain's sake. There's probably a bunch of other stuff that my rogue brain remembers that I don't, and vice versa.

Sometimes when I'm asleep I hear a voice that sounds like me screaming "Let me out of here!"

Does anyone know how to communicate with a rogue brain?

Sleeplessness Contest

Once my friends and I were sitting around and we each threw $100 into a betting pool to see who could stay awake the longest. I won by staying awake for over a month, 34 days 7 hours to be exact. I fell asleep in an elevator and people just ignored me all day, they thought I was a bum. I won $500, but I spent at least that much money on energy drinks, so it was a failure except for bragging rights.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Green Beret Bladder Training

I've been learning bladder strengthening from a former Green Beret that I know. Actually it's a Korean martial art called Quan Tak Fu Kano, literally, "Ability to not pee for 24 hours straight." Although I'm not planning to use this skill in warfare, it's very handy at the office.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Bug Attacking the Sears Tower

Two weeks ago there was a giant bug attacking the top of the Sears Tower, the tallest building in the US. Police and fire officials responded in force, but later claimed to the media that it was a human fly to cover up the fact that it was really a giant insect.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Twice-Popping Popcorn

A new strain of genetically-modified popcorn that pops twice has hospitalized 17 people for burst stomachs. The first explosion of the kernal yields ordinary-looking popcorn; the second explosion occurs after the popcorn has been ingested, where it expands up to ten times.

Olga Carnagy was eating popcorn while watching TV at home. "I just finished the bowl, when I heard a little 'pop' inside. Then another little 'pop.' Then five at once. Then they just all went off like firecrackers and my belly swole up like a balloon on a tire pump. I woke up here at St. Catherine's Medical Center. I'm sticking with Jell-o from here on."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Phishing Attacks

It wasn't widely reported because it was so embarrassing, but the Governor of Wyoming, Dave Freudenthal, was taken in by a phishing email and briefly transferred ownership of the state of Wyoming to a 15 year old computer hacker named Timothy Whitlock.

The fraud was quickly discovered when Timothy tried to cash in the deed to the state at a pay day loans store.

Jay Leno

According to my sources, Jay Leno really has a thing for water melon. He eats at least 3 a day and usually the set behind his desk on the Tonight Show is littered with watermelon rhines, and he spits seeds during commercial breaks. Also, the steering wheels of his car collection are always sticky because of the watermelon juice.

Black Holes

I read this paper by Dr. Werner Von Broight who postulates that earthquakes on earth are the result of gravitational eddies created by "starquakes" inside a black hole. Black holes have so much mass they can vibrate space for light years in every direction, but his theory will be hard to prove because nobody can see inside a black hole.

Rap Album

Sup, yo? Have you heard my rap album? It's called "Thuggin on the Streetz" by me, Brutha Dro. It's about growing up in the hood, it's hard up in here, if you ain't watch your back, the streets'll getcha. Yeea, son. Yea. You want me to rap for you? Yeah, son. Sup... sup. We about to be going into the studio to cut our new album, "Ghetto Nation." Yeah, son. My dad's a lawyer, yo, he hooked us up fat with some studio time, and he gimmie this Lexus, but I bought the rims and stereo by runnin my hoes on the streets. Yea, son. I'm straight pimpin, poppin' collaz, dogg. Naw, dogg, I got to get to class, son... If I'm all late again them haters is gonna call my folks, yo. Peace!

Soybean Oil

In clinical tests, soybean oil has been shown to cause birth defects and in rare cases, gigantism. So one of my friends started drinking gallons and gallons of it, as much as he could drink. He thought it would make him taller. To be fair he grew like half an inch taller but mostly what happened over the next few months is his arms and legs got really thick and really hairy. His legs looked like furry tree trunks. He weighs 350 pounds now, all muscle.

Church's Chicken

Once I was behind a Church's Chicken and I saw them carrying in boxes that said "Norepheneprhin" and I looked it up and that's the same chemical veterinarians use to chemically neuter dogs.


The term skank originated in Bolivia, where it means "One who carries the odor of a waterfowl."

Gas Mileage

My uncle built this magnetic grapple for the front of his pickup. He used to get behind semis in their blind spot and then grapple onto them, shut off his engine and put it in neutral and just let them do all the driving. He did this for over two years and averaged 523 miles to the gallon, but finally one day this trucker heard on his CB what was going on and started whipping his trailer back and forth until he slammed the truck into a pylon. The trucker died but my uncle only needed 3 stitches.

Pet Snake

I used to have this pet boa constrictor and it was wicked cool. It weighed over 300 pounds and I used to feed it cats until the animal shelter caught on to what I was doing, then I had to start giving it snake food instead. My mom made me get rid of it though because once it broke out of it's cage and swallowed our Labrador whole.

Fun Facts About Spock

Everyone knows Spock, from Star Trek. Here's some fun facts about Spock and Vulcans in General.

Vulcans come from the planet Andor.
The Vulcan word for success is "Quah Plah!"
Vulcans use a series of drugs and electrical probes to keep their violent emotions under control.
Vulcans mate only once every 8 years.
Vulcans are not as strong as humans.
Spock is half vulcan, half Klingon, which is why he has trouble controlling his emotions.
The federation defeated the Vulcans in the year 2303.
Spock defected to the federation during the Great Vulcan War. He was the 15th Vulcan to enter Starfleet.

Bear Attack

The other day I heard noises in my basement, and I went downstairs with my handgun. I thought it was a raccoon that got in but it was actually a bear that had gotten in through the old coal chute. I started shooting it with my handgun, but those are pretty worthless against a bear, you need a much more powerful round. I emptied all ten rounds out of my clip right into the bear, and then it still had enough strength to try and maul me. I fought it for about 10 minutes before it bled to death. That's where all these cuts came from.

Four Ninjas

The other night I was sleeping, and four ninjas broke into my bedroom through the window. It took me 15 minutes to fight them all off, and the last guy I fought managed to get a good hit in, which is how I got this black eye.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Edible Packaging

For a while, during the recycling fad of the 90s, McDonalds was experimenting with edible packaging. The idea was that instead of littering your big mac carton, you would eat it. Of course, they dropped the project when focus groups revealed that customers liked the taste of the package better than the taste of the food.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Words for Snow

According to a recent report from the International Academy of Linguists, by 2012 Eskimos will have only three words for snow, while the number of words for dirt will be 74.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Copy Machines

Anyone who has ever used a copy machine knows that they break, a lot. If your car broke that often, you'd show up for work late every day. Copy machine companies sell "service contracts" to keep your copier working. You pay them a flat rate and they fix it, regardless of what's wrong with it.

What you don't know is that each copy machine is programmed with a hidden self destruct sequence. If the right combination of keys is pressed, like 1401, the self destruct is set and the copy machine breaks itself on the next page. It really doesn't matter how, like say someone wants one copy, and then someone wants forty copies, and then, someone else just makes one. BOOM. Self Destruct. But when you get the service contract, they turn off the self destruct code.

World Ended Two Weeks Ago

The mystic Visham Gunjeeban announced that the world ended on September 6th of this year, but that most people were too busy to notice. "It's a sad comment on our way of life that people are so caught up with their jobs and television that they wouldn't notice as significant event as this," the mystic said. "What will it take to get their attention?"

The official end of the universe occurred at 7:45 pm, GMT on September 6. Since that time, the world has been operating from the parking lot.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

CAPNE Demands Boycott

Raymond Singleton, founder of Citizens Against People Named Earl, has announced a boycott against anyone named Earl. "We're going to hit them where it hurts: in the checkbook," said Singleton at a press conference in front of Earl's Barber Shop in Curtis, Ohio, where Singleton pledged not to have a haircut that afternoon.

The owner of the barbershop, Earl Singleton, who is also Raymond's brother, responded to the boycott threat by demanding that Raymond return his train set.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Mafia Burials

The Mafia has used many methods to dispose of bodies over the years, including the obvious burial in a corn field and cement shoes. Here are some less well known ways the Mafia has disposed of bodies:

1. In 1974, FBI agents uncovered the body of mob informant Jimmy "The Snitch" Sesquano. He had been sealed in a 55 gallon drum of nuclear contaminants and stored in a toxic waste facility for almost 5 years before the material was to be transferred to a tank and the body was discovered. The nuclear waste had caused some strange mutations such as an additional hand growing off of his left hand.

2. In 1993, a massive explosion rocked the quiet suburb of Cicero, IL. Debris was scattered hundreds of feet in every direction. The police pieced together that mob associates Tony DiMico and Victor "The Snow Plow" Trelane had packed the corpse of an unknown victim into a 20 foot long, 3" steel walled pipe along with over 500 pounds of gunpowder. Trelane, a dropout of UIC had majored in physics and believed that this blast would have sufficient strength to blow the corpse into orbit where it could never be found. However, Trelane, who was not a materials science expert didn't realize the force of the blast was also sufficient to blast the bottom end cap off the massive pipe. There were no survivors.

3. In 1929, U.S. postal inspectors discovered the body of Antonio Scataglini stuffed inside a large clay vase. The vase had been addressed to Mafia boss Salvatore Macini in Sicily. It is not known whether the body was being sent as a threat, a gift, or simply as a way to dispose of it.

4. In 1999, an overpowering stench was reported at a grain silo in Milton, Ohio. DNA testing found blood belonging to Rickey "The Squealer" Botosi, an FBI informant in the witness protection program. It is theorized the Rickey The Squealer was thrown into the harvesting end of a combine and pulverized in the combines mechanisms.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Fill In The Lie: Asian Mobile Technology

[Readers: this is your chance to be creative. Submit comments with your best ending.]

Many Asian countries are years ahead of the United States in mobile phone technology. For example, in South Korea, 89% of adult cell phone users now use their phones to...

Construction Project

That last contractor who was here, he wanted to charge you $250,000 to do the renovation. I can do it for half that. See, he's licensed, bonded, and insured and all that costs a lot of money. I don't have his high overhead so I can do this job for half that price, but you're going to have to give me all the money up front so I can get materials and pay the laborers. If you write me a check tonight, I can have my guys in here starting work next week, and we can be done in a month.

I Rescued this Kitty from the Mafia

Yes, he's cute isn't he? I rescued him from this Mafia guy who kept him in his backyard tied to a tree. I saw this poor cat out there, but I knew the guy in the house was part of the Mafia, so I threw a cherry bomb in the front yard to create a distraction while I went around the back and cut the chain. But the Mafia guy saw me and started shooting at me. So I hid behind the tree, and when the Mafia guy was re-loading, I took the kitty and ran like hell. That was in another town, but if that Mafia guy ever sees me with this kitty, I'm a dead man.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

My Astrologer Says...

My astrologer says that my combination of sun and moon indicate that I am extremely brilliant and talented and will make a lot of money when my ship comes in.

My astrologer says that I am the reincarnation of Moses, Charlemagne, Leonardo daVinci, Joan of Arc, and Babe Ruth, which is why I am so versatile, creative, and courageous.

My astrologer says that I could be popular enough to be a great world leader.

But right now I don't have enough contacts.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

lip tightening

One time, my friend from Arizona, Steven Bumchelk, this kid was making fun of his fat lower lip, so Steven grabbed his lower lip and stretched it up to his forehead. He had to go to the hospital and get his lip tightened.

Self-carving Pumpkins

My uncle is a farmer and he spent 20 years developing this type of pumpkin that you don't have to carve for Halloween because it's already hollow and has triangular holes like a jack-o-lantern. They have great scary faces, and it would have been a big success, but the problem is by the time you pick them, they're rotten.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Stealing Cars

I have a radio transmitter that I can use to steal cars if I want to. It will auto start any make or model of car, even if it doesn't have a remote start on it. It does this by accessing the vehicle computer. I don't really steal cars though, sometimes I help people get back into their locked car and I'm also registered with the police so if someone's car is stolen I can hunt it down and steal it back. I also collect petrified dinosaur eggs.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I Fly Police Helicopters

Sometimes when the police are really busy, they call and ask me to fly one of their police helicopters. Remember how those bank robbers were captured about a year ago? It was me who spotted their car from my police helicopter. I love to fly around the city in my police helicopter with the siren on.

I'll take you with me sometime if you'll share that sandwich.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Sunshine to Seattle

This is top secret, so I never tell anyone... but I like you, so I'll let you in on it. My new business is blowing through the roof. We're installing 2,000 miles of fiber optic cable in order to pipe sunshine from Palm Springs, California to Seattle, Washington where the yuppies there will pay huge bucks for a little sunshine during the rainy season. I've got over 3 billion dollars invested already, and I need 2 billion more. Wanna get in on the ground floor?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Scissors Eraser

My Dad invented an eraser for scissors, so if you make a mistake cutting a piece of paper, you can erase it. But his invention was bought out by the adhesive tape conglomerate who destroyed the formula, and my Dad never got any money.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The world's most expensive mop

I saw this show on TV about stuff that really rich people own.  This guy in Canada owns a mop worth almost 14 million dollars.  It's made of a lightweight metal alloy infused with platinum, and there are diamonds and precious jewels covering the handle.  What really makes it special, though, is the mop head itself, which is hand-sewn from the hair of an ancient Chinese Emperor, Qin Shi Huang.  It can mop up nearly 5 gallons of fluid before having to be wrung out.

Fists of Steel

What are you looking at? You think you're funny? HA HA HA, yeah, that's real funny. Say something like that again, and I'll hit you with my fists of steel. Yeah, you better walk away. I'm gonna go tell the vice principal you've been bothering me, and then we'll see how funny you think this is. Yeah? Keep talking, I'll drain your face into the ground! Last time I hit a guy he spent 6 months in the hospital and another year learning to walk again. Yeah, keep up the harassment, you'll get what's coming to you, from me, the vice principal, and my fists of steel. My dad could buy and sell your dad. You keep saying things like that and I'm calling the police. I'll hit you so hard your grandmother will feel it. I'll drain your face with my fists of steel.

The Importance of Television

My parents were so strict about me being "normal" that they made me watch three hours of TV before I could start my math homework.

I kept telling them that knowing about TV shows wasn't that useful in daily life, but my Dad would say, "When opportunity knocks, you damn well better be able to sing the theme from Gilligan's Island."

In the end, I'm glad they insisted. Now, at work I can intelligently discuss the differences between The Honeymooners and The Flintstones with my boss. I'm expecting a raise next year.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Cell Phone Antenna

My Uncle Larry was in Vietnam and he got a purple heart because he ended up with a metal plate in his head. He won't tell us how, all he says is that "Charlie got the drop on us." He was a pretty cool guy up until the 1980s when he started hearing voices. They started driving him crazy because they wouldn't shut up, they just got worse and worse, more and more of them. Finally they figured out that he was picking up what people were saying on their cell phones. He can hear what you are saying up to several miles away, but he hears a lot of cell calls so sometimes it's hard to filter out who is saying what. When they created text messaging, it got even worse. Any time someone sends a text message within a thousand feet of him, my uncle pees his pants and forgets who he is for a half hour. It got so bad that he moved to the desert where there are no cell towers for a hundred miles in each direction, and now he's working on cross-breeding birds.

My cousin's car

My cousin drives a car that was made in a now-defunct eastern European nation.  Its engine requires heavily leaded gasoline that he can only buy at a gas station near the car dealer.  If he travels outside of his city, he has to bring his own bottle of lead to add to the unleaded gas they sell everywhere else.  One time he used too much and flames shot out of his exhaust pipe.

Cheese Recycling

Eight million cubic tons of leftover cheese are disposed of in landfills per year in the continental United States alone. Thankfully, many cities and counties are responding to this waste by instituting cheese recycling programs.

I'm doing my part. I order recycled grilled cheese sandwiches wherever they are available.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The Origin of Bowling

Bowling was "invented" in 1892 by a student at Darmouth College who, frustrated over the recurring dryness of the oatmeal served in the dining hall, rolled his bowl of hardened slop down the length of the dining table, upsetting an array of glassware at the far end. The game quickly spread outdoors, where students rolled large bowls of dry oatmeal down the campus lanes attempting to knock over wine flasks.

Perceiving a danger, the alarmed campus faculty devised a more palatable variation of the game, which featured a ball with five finger-holes, specially marked indoor "lanes," and wooden pins. The sport, still called "bowling," caught on across the United States.

During WWII rationing, the number of finger-holes was reduced to three.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Catnip is a Placebo

It's a little known fact that "cat nip" in it's natural form is just a weed with no narcotic effects on cats or humans. To get cats addicted to it, however, pet food companies began introducing PCP into the weed in 1956. There is not enough PCP in it to get a human high, but cats are extremely sensitive to the effects of PCP, that combined with their small body size can often be a lethal combination.

Over the past 7 years there have been 33 incidents of cats running through plate glass windows, slicing themselves with blades, and violently assaulting other animals or humans, resulting in the deaths of the cats.

As evidence, I draw your attention to this story: in which a family cat looses control and attacks its loving companions. What the article fails to mention is the cat had gone down in the basement to "nip out." It was only weeks later when the family found an opened 2 pound bag of cat nip that they realized why the cat became aggressive and homicidal. Every now and then they gave the cat a little, but the cat found and consumed what amounted to a full year's supply of the drug, resulting in the cat's loss of control. Another news report claimed the cat had to be shot twice by the police, an obvious pain killing effect of the PCP.

The pet food companies don't want to do anything about this as the cat nip market accounts for over 2 billion dollars worth of sales, annually, and the FDA refuses to take action stating that it only regulates food and drugs for humans, not animals. The amount of PCP is too negligible to have any affect on humans, so the government refuses to act. This could also have something to do with the $234 million in contributions "big pet food" lobbyists have made to congress over the past 4 years alone.

Bowling is rigged.

Have you ever watched a professional bowling tournament on TV? They're run by the same dudes that run the WWF and each match is rigged so that the favored team will win. They use many different methods to do this, like high friction anti-lubricant spray on both the balls and the floor, weighted balls and pins, but my personal favorite is the magnets. If you watch close, you can see the ball curve at the last second to make up for the professional bowler's complete lack of skill. They use a giant magnet behind the pins and a metal core in the ball.

In 1966, Steve Wolcott of Florida, New York (they have a Florida in New York) was one of the finest bowlers that ever lived and made it to the televised tournament. Nobody had the heart to tell him that it was rigged. Because of the magnet, his balls were going every which way, he didn't know how to handle it, he'd been bowling his whole life but never had anything like this happen. He went clinically insane, ran down the lane and tackled the pins. He got caught in the machinery and died.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Experimental Elevator

I know this because my cousin works for the elevator company. There is an express elevator in Chicago that is actually an experimental teleporter. It has two identical elevator cabs: one on the lobby floor and the other on the 21st floor.

You don't realize it but you actually teleport to the other cab as soon as the doors close. But because they don't want anyone to know it's a teleporter, they make you wait while the light goes 1,2,3,4,5,6,7... all the way up to 21. But there's a special key that skips the effect, that they give to the fire department. My cousin had a copy of that key, but he lost it.

The building owners save a ton of money each year on power costs, and so far they've only lost one lower court judge who beamed somewhere they don't know where.