Monday, July 31, 2006

HOT Stock Tip

Last week, Walmart, Inc. (NYSE: WMT) decided to place an order for over a million Fat Cart model 375 from Consolidated Cart and Wheelchair (Nasdaq: CCW) to cater to it's constantly growing population of morbidly obese customers.

This order includes enhanced suspensions to combat some of the crushings that have plagued the Fat Cart model 281 series that Walmart has been using for the last 5 years, in which the suspension of the Fat Cart fails to support the weight of a 400+ pound customer. More than 3,000 of the Original Fat Cart Model 281 have had their suspension systems crushed.

The model 375 also has an enhanced battery system. The batteries on the model 281 Fat Cart would wear down under heavy loads, and go dead. In the past year alone there, out of Walmarts 3000+ nation wide stores, there were at least 10 known incidents of an obese individual having to get up and walk more than halfway across the store to retrieve a fully charged Fat Cart. The new model 375 includes a backup battery which should have enough power to return the operator to the front of the store.

In 2003, Morgan Chris of Titusville, Montana was killed as he tried to pull a gas grill off of an overhead shelf with his "reaching stick" and into the basket of his Fat Cart. Instead, the gas grill fell off the shelf and broke his neck. To prevent further incidents, the Fat Cart model 375 has an overhead roll cage.

In another Fat Cart related fatality, Stanley Watkins of Spokesville, Oregon was headed towards the snack shop at speeds estimated to be well over 5 mph. He struck and killed 3 of what Walmart refers to as "pedestrian shoppers", I.E. the few customers who choose to make the journey from one side of the store to the other on foot. Watkin's blood alcohol level was estimated to be 3 times the legal limit for operating a motorized vehicle. The new Fat Cart model 375 includes an onboard breathalyzer and a collision avoidance system which cuts power to the wheels when a pedestrian crosses in front of the vehicle.

With the order of a million Fat Cart model 375s, Consolidated Cart and Wheelchair's (Nasdaq: CCW) stock is expected to skyrocket. CCW is also in talks with Meijer, Home Depot, Lowes to possibly deliver a combined total of 16 million Fat Carts over the next 5 years.

CCW is also in talks with the Department of Homeland Security and the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to provide a Fat Cart to every man, woman, and child in the United States. The Center for Disease Control has upgraded obesity from an epidemic to a "natural disaster" and is placing FEMA in charge of dealing with obesity.

Sun/Moon Gold/Silver Ratios

Astoundingly, the ratio of the weight per volume of gold versus that of silver is exactly the same as the ratio of the rotational speed of the sun (which is "golden") versus that of the moon (which is "silver")! Really makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

Hot dog tragedy.

At last year's National Hot Dog Eating contest, three people died of starvation.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Bird Facts

Birds are born with a certain number of feathers, and they're unable to grow new ones. Specifically, it's the quill part of the feather they can't grow back, like when you find a lost feather on the ground, the big long stem. However, when a bird looses a feather, the feathers around it grow wider or longer to compensate for it. There is almost no limit to how big a bird feather can get under the right circumstances, as evidenced by the tail of a peacock.

One time my friend and I saw pigeon that has lost all but two of it's feathers. The two remaining feathers had grown to over 6 feet long to try and compensate.

Transformers movie piracy warning.

My friend downloaded what was supposed to be an illegal copy of the new Transformers movie that's coming out next year. Instead, it turned out to be a 90 minute video of a live action Optimus Prime lecturing the viewer on piracy. At the very end, he says, "I hope you've learned a valuable lesson. There is More Than Meets The Eye about piracy," and formats your hard drive. Now my friend's computer can't do anything except display the Autobot logo on the screen.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Invisible Teenage Cell Phones

You've probably heard about the ringtone that teenagers are using that is too high-pitched for adults to hear, allowing students to receive text messages in class without their teachers knowing it. Now students in England have gone one better: they've made a cell phone that is so small, only teenagers can see it. School administrators fear this trend will lead to teenage assault rifles.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Sexy Cars

My college chemistry professor used to work for the automotive industry, and he told me that car manufacturers put human sex pheromones in the exterior paint so that people will fall in love with the cars.

Italian cars have the most, even when they're made in Germany.

Soy Milk

Dow chemical and Owens Corning manufacture soy milk as a byproduct of their fiberglass insulation. Then they call it soy milk but it's actually a petroleum oil. Also drinking it more than once a week or so will start to plug up your intestines with tar.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Roy's Bees

In the 90s a parasitic mite devastated wild bee populations. My dad's friend Roy had this huge bee hive in his barn and somehow they lived through the mite infestation like they were immune somehow. When word of this got out, the military paid him and moved the entire bee hive out of his barn. Nobody knows where they took them or why, they claimed it was to study their immunity to the mites, but then I heard the military was breeding super attack bees, so it must have had something to do with that.

Pantera Bread

Panera Bread used to be called Pantera Bread and they had a really heavy metal club type feel to the place, but then they started getting successful and had like 10 locations so they got bought out by a conglomerate and they re-did the whole place to appeal to yuppies instead of rockers, and then ended up with restaurants all over the country. That's why you never see a rocker in Panera, they're still mad over the whole thing.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

My failed acting career.

Back in the mid 90's, I was trying to break into the acting game.  I auditioned and landed a role in the pilot episode of House of Law, in which I played alongside Bob Vila as his youthful sidekick, fighting crime together.  The pilot was such a success that three of the major networks fought over the rights, and the producer made a ton of money when NBC picked up the show.  Sadly, even though the first season was produced, it never went on the air.  I guess that's how a lot of good shows die before they even take off.  It was also the end of my acting career.

Secret Zip Codes

Everyone knows their own zip code, but what they don't know is what that zip code is telling the government. Each geographic area has a zip code, and encoded in that is data on the economic, social, racial, and religious makeup of the zip code. During a national disaster like a hurricane, you could be denied evacuation or aide based solely on your zip code. The government uses this data to make snap decisions about who to save when they can't save everyone. In your disaster preparedness kit, you should write down the zip code of the wealthiest, best educated neighborhood in your city, especially if it has Chinese people living there. Then, if an official asks for your zip code, give him the fake one. Some of the most important people like government officials, business leaders, and college professors have their own private zip codes. If you have the home address of your professor or CEO, give the government his zip code and they might even fly you out of there first class.

Bad Robot Dog

Robotics researchers in Japan created a robot dog that was a little too realistic. It chewed someone's shoes, stole a sandwich from a lunch (but didn't eat it) and gummed a child. They were experimenting with a new friskiness algorithm, but they punched in too high a value. Reminds me of the naughty-joke-composing program that IBM built a few years ago.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Fake Fire Extinguishers

Terrorists have been replacing fire extinguishers in public buildings with fake, empty fire extinguishers. Nobody knows why, either the terrorists want to make sure the building burns down if there's an accidental fire, or they plan to set a whole bunch of intentional fires, or they're collecting fire extinguishers to use in a massive chemical bomb.

So please, check your fire extinguishers, make sure they work, and also keep an eye out for anyone suspicious tampering with a fire extinguisher, or offering to "inspect" or "charge" your fire extinguishers.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Pringles in Orange Juice

Does this work for anyone besides me? Soak a package of Pringles in orange juice overnight, then eat them. Your pee will smell like hamburgers.

Try it and let me know what happens.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Collectible Bread Loaf Package Ties

My cousin works with this guy who has been saving plastic bread loaf bag ties, the square kind with a hole in the middle, since 1986. He just sold his entire collection on ebay for like $10,000. So think about it before you throw something away. It might be like the "$50,000 fingernail" story a few years back.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Samuel L. Jackson

A lot of people don't know this, but Samuel L. Jackson "solves problems". For a fee, usually around $250,000 for minor problems, and well over a million for larger problems, Samuel L. Jackson will personally handle whatever problem you have. My cousin's parents have a lot of money, and they paid Samuel L. Jackson $500,000 to get my cousin's ex-boyfriend to leave her alone. Nobody knows what he did, but he was coming around harassing her all the time, they got a restraining order, he came back, he got arrested, but he kept coming back. Then they hired Samuel L. Jackson. He was on a plane in 30 minutes and he was there in 2 hours. A half hour after that, Samuel L. Jackson brought the ex boyfriend over to apologize. His hand was wrapped in gauze and there was blood coming through the bandage. He apologized and moved to Argentina the next day.

According to their friend, who recommended Samuel L. Jackson to them, their competitor was trying to force them out of business. They sent Samuel L. Jackson over there and he pistol whipped the dude for a half hour, and the next day he closed the doors to his business and retired. Also, for another job, one time Samuel L. Jackson mauled a crooked NFL referee.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Hot Dog Eating Champion

The late Wang Hu Sing holds the world record as hot dog eating champion, after eating 645 hot dogs in one sitting. By the time he was finished there were pieces of hot dog coming out of even his belly button and he died of glass poisoning.

Economical Swedish Cookies

Here's a convenient, economical and tasty way to make small batches of cookies. Just spoon some cookie batter on a light bulb in your desk or table lamp, and turn on the light. Light bulb cookies are very popular in Sweden, especially during the long winter nights. Cooking time varies depending on wattage and type of dough. Allow 40 minutes for a 75-watt bulb, a little more for a 60-watt bulb. I find that cookies baked on light bulbs, especially at 60 watts, are much tastier than those baked in an oven.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Security Ninja

My grandpa runs this store, and he had trouble with thugs loitering around outside, chilling out, selling drugs, and basically chasing away all of his customers. So he hired this security guard who is also a Ninja. When the thugs came around, the Ninja politely asked them to leave in a thick Japanese accent, and when they laughed at him, he went nuts with a pair of nunchucks and put half of them in the hospital. The whole neighborhood heard about it, and now anytime there's someone loitering outside the store, my grandpa dresses me in a Ninja outfit and I ask them to leave in a fake Japanese accent.


One time my older brother gave a kid a wedgie so hard that his eyes popped out of their sockets. They rushed him to the emergency room to have his eyes put back in his head and his underwear had to be surgically removed.

Open House

According to research by Associated Press, the odds of going to any residential house in the U.S. and actually finding the key under the welcome mat is 74%.

Don't buy contact lenses at Walmart.

My uncle Pete, he got these brand new contact lenses and he wore them for a couple of weeks, he got them at Walmart. All of a sudden his eye starts to itch, and he's always itching it, scratching day in day out. He thinks it's these new contacts, but he never got them dirty. He notices a glint and took it to a forensics expert who put it under a microscope. Walmart had put a little metal tracking chip inside the lens.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


My friend used to be a hunchback but then she started drinking Nutrishake and lost all the weight in her hunch. Now she wears a bikini at the beach and does runway modeling. Also the doctors fixed that one eye that was way bigger than the other and stopped it from bulging out of her head.


Archaeologists think that Triceratops was the first archeavore, that is, the first creature to eat an archaeologist. The plot of Jurassic Park was based on some real events that went down at a U.S. military cloning lab in the Arizona desert. They were trying to use DNA from dinosaurs to create a super war beast, but the experiment went horribly wrong and several archaeologists and their guards were eaten.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My uncle's prize winning Chili.

Every year, my uncle enters his special ten alarm chili in the National Chili Cook-Off. He wins every single time. His secret? He empties a can of Mace pepper spray into every pot he makes.

Bee Sting Home Remedy

If you're stung by a bee, just rub some muratic acid into the wound. It counteracts the venom. You can find it at any hardware store, they use it for burning stains off of concrete driveways and sidewalks.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Vanilla Ice.

My aunt helped start this company in the early 90s that created a fancy new ice cream treat called Vanilla Ice.  Unfortunately, that was already the name of a rapper nobody had heard of.  He sued the company into bankruptcy, and used the money to finance his own career, which soon took off.  He now writes theme songs for TV shows, such as CSI and American Idol.


Blackula was based on a real life serial killer named Earl Lee Warren who killed 16 people in rural Alabama by force feeding them dorritos until they died.

Constipation: Home Remedy

Have you ever been constipated? Just can't go to the bathroom for like a week? There's a home remedy my grandmother taught me. Just drink a half cup of draino. It will clean you right out, no problems.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The truth about Star Wars.

George Lucas actually came up with Star Wars when he was trying to establish a money-making religion.  That's why it's "a long time ago in a galaxy far away" and not in the future.  When nobody would believe him about the Force and aliens and stuff, he decided to just turn it into a movie.  It worked out perfectly, because when he was trying to claim it was all true nobody wanted to give him a dime.  Now he's like super rich.

Friday, July 14, 2006

UN Mind Control

My new hobby is genetic hybrid research. I crossed a snap dragon with a venus fly trap, and gave it a mammal blood transfusion; the result? A mosquito devouring machine. The UN soon set storm troopers to my door to suppress my development since apparently mosquitoes are used to distribute mind control drugs.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


There was this dude I knew in Arizona, and he was walking down the street, and he saw this mime, so he started making fun of him and he pushed him. As it turns out the mime was a UFC champion cage fighter, and mime was his hobby. The guy grabbed him and tried to feed him a parking meter. It broke his jawbone, his collar bone, knocked out most of his teeth, and swelled his tongue up so big he later choked to death on it in the hospital.

My uncle's awesome parties.

My uncle is known for throwing legendary parties.  At the last party he had, 14 people had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  Next time, he says he's shooting for twenty.  That's so cool.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


There was this hillbilly who's face got mangled in a car crash, and he didn't have the money for a doctor so he cut off half of his face and killed a goat, then he sewed part of the goat's face on to his own. Now he just wanders the countryside at night killing livestock. The police are looking for him. Don't walk around out there at night because some people in the country have been killed and hung up on rusty hooks and they don't know who did it, but I think it was goatman.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Neptune Issue

The truth about Neptune is that astronomers first thought it was a large planet circling the sun. When they got better telescopes they figured out it was a REALLY large star a few light years away. They just can't bring themselves to go public with the truth because that would mean there's only 8 planets and they'd have to re-write every textbook, which the government already told the international planetary society THEY would have to pay for because they are the ones that screwed up in the first place.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Don't Eat Dry Ice

I went to a fancy restarant and had a beverage with dry ice to chill it. I swallowed a piece of the dry ice and I wasn't supposed to. Unlike ice which expands when it freezes, dry ice shrinks, so when it thawed in my stomach, it expanded so much that when I got home I was urinating for 10 minutes straight, the toilet overflowed, and my mom was very upset.

Klingon Food

At Star Trek conventions, the guys that dress up as Klingons also eat traditional Klingon food, although the alien worms, served live, known as Quag don't actually exist so they substitute live earthworms. You don't want to know how they make the blood wine.

Newspaper Delivery

Newspapers are written 2 days in advance, because it takes them that long to deliver it. Because they don't know what the news is going to be, they have to do some guessing, and occasionally they're wrong, so they print a retraction, which they also print in advance.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Prescription spaghetti sauce.

My sister has this rare disorder where if she eats spaghetti with regular sauce she has a complete freak out spazz attack, kicking and screaming and all that.  Luckily, the doctors gave her a prescription for a special kind of spaghetti sauce, so when we have spaghetti she gets her own.  Supposedly it tastes just like the regular stuff, except without the going crazy part, but we're not allowed to eat it because it might cause a chemical reaction.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Mexican Car Alarm

In the rougher parts of Mexico, they train monkeys to attack people except their family members and then lock them their car. If a thief tries to steal it, or even break the window and steal something the monkey will either maul the thief or make so much noise everyone within 5 blocks will hear it. They use monkeys instead of dogs so they can even lock them in the car on scalding hot days.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Vinegar drinking contests.

When I was little, my friends and I would have vinegar drinking contests.  I would always win, because I'd secretly eat a bunch of antacids first.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

My super grasshopper.

When I was little, I caught this grasshopper and kept it in a jar.  Instead of grass, I fed it smashed up vitamins all the time.  It made him into a super grasshopper that could jump much further and higher than all the others in the local competition.  One morning I went to feed him and I found he had smashed through the glass and escaped.

The Real Jaws

A lot of people don't know that Jaws was based on a real shark, a great white that was trained by the Soviets during the cold war to terrorize American beaches. The Russians released it near Florida but the shark disappeared until a year later when a shark began attacking swimmers and boaters off the coast of China. Over the next 3 years it killed an estimated 153 people, but the Chinese government covered it up because they're communists and that's what they do. I guess Godzilla was based on something real too, but it's even more secret.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Dirty Politics

A long time ago, during the Watergate scandal, Henry Kissenger mauled a reporter.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Ted Koppel is a Robot

ABC news decided it was stupid to pay a high priced anchor to read the evening news when technically almost anyone could do it. That's when they built Ted Koppel. It's not really fair to say that Ted Koppel is a robot, he's more like a Disney styled anamatronic puppet, voiced by Steve Hratsberg. If Hratsberg ever quit, they just had to find someone who sounded like him. When ABC announced the retirement of Ted Koppel in 2005, it was because the servos on the robot were wearing out and the dude who built it was dead. The robot was capable of crushing a car and had three times the strength of any human, so they replaced it with a 3 man anchor team.

Ned Shoehorn from Star Wars.

When I was little, I wanted a Luke Skywalker action figure, but my mom went to the store and bought me some stupid Star Wars character called Ned Shoehorn.  I guess he has some tiny part in the cantina scene or something.  I don't remember.  I just remember the character was stupid and boring, so I never even opened the package.  A couple years ago some guy bought it off me for $2000.  I guess Ned Shoehorn is one of the rarest Star Wars action figures, because he was lame and nobody liked him.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

My Uncle's Tank

My uncle had this old world war 2 tank that he bought, he spent years restoring it, and he even got the main cannon working, which was disarmed originally and illegal. He had it for a few years, and then he got drunk and drove it down the road. A cop tried to pull him over, but that was the last mistake that cop ever made. They never caught him because there were no witnesses, he lived in the country, all they had was a blown up cop car. Later, they found my uncle dead from a stab wound inside the tank.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Mike Tyson's Punchout

My uncle is a cop and he says that a few years ago there was an incident where a large black man was in line at a gas station and another guy cut in front of him. The bigger guy punched him in the face so hard it shattered his jawbone, broke one of his cheek bones, left a fracture in his skull, and knocked out half of his teeth. The man was permanently disfigured. The guy drove off then without paying for his gas. When the cops got there, the guy was laying in a pool of his own blood, his jaw was in two separate pieces. The security footage was really grainy, but the cops are almost positive it was Mike Tyson, but they need more than that to prosecute him because he's a millionaire and his lawyers will help him get away with it. The gas station attendant is too scared to testify.

quick breakfast idea

I read in a cookbook if you put a spoon full of crisco into your coffee in the morning and let it melt in there you get enough protein and nutrients so you can skip breakfast, and it's supposed to taste good too like a cappucino smoothie.