Saturday, July 22, 2006

Samuel L. Jackson

A lot of people don't know this, but Samuel L. Jackson "solves problems". For a fee, usually around $250,000 for minor problems, and well over a million for larger problems, Samuel L. Jackson will personally handle whatever problem you have. My cousin's parents have a lot of money, and they paid Samuel L. Jackson $500,000 to get my cousin's ex-boyfriend to leave her alone. Nobody knows what he did, but he was coming around harassing her all the time, they got a restraining order, he came back, he got arrested, but he kept coming back. Then they hired Samuel L. Jackson. He was on a plane in 30 minutes and he was there in 2 hours. A half hour after that, Samuel L. Jackson brought the ex boyfriend over to apologize. His hand was wrapped in gauze and there was blood coming through the bandage. He apologized and moved to Argentina the next day.

According to their friend, who recommended Samuel L. Jackson to them, their competitor was trying to force them out of business. They sent Samuel L. Jackson over there and he pistol whipped the dude for a half hour, and the next day he closed the doors to his business and retired. Also, for another job, one time Samuel L. Jackson mauled a crooked NFL referee.


Blogger Beerspitnight said...

I always dug Samual J. Jackson, but I could never pinpoint the exact reason why. Now, thanks to you, I know why. He is THE bad ass. Thanks for the info.
Would you happen to have his contact info?
Raw Words

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many snakes were on his plane at the time?

9:22 PM  
Blogger Lew said...

The movie snakes on a plane was based on a job Samuel L. Jackson did for Delta airlines. In this particular case, the plane was on the ground, though, and it was infested with poisonous coral snakes that had escaped from the cargo compartment (on the way to a zoo)

Samuel L. Jackson was paid $750,000 to remove the snakes because exterminators were too afraid to do it. Samuel L. Jackson's solution was to torch the airplane for the insurance money.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

These are only getting better.

Well done guys!

3:50 AM  
Blogger Lew said...

I just got word from another friend of mine. One time the town police were having trouble with a new gang, and they didn't know how to handle it, so they called in Samuel L. Jackson. He burned down every crackhouse in town, and then found the gang leader, sealed him inside an old refridgerator, and threw it off a bridge. Then he found the second in command and broke his legs with a pipe wrench. Then he found the third in command and told them they had 48 hours to leave town or he was going to come in with some mercenaries and "clean house." That ended all gang activity in that small town.

9:43 PM  
Blogger LeoBro said...

I used to have a boss who kept trying to date this woman from his book club, but she wouldn't go out with him. So he hired Samuel L. Jackson to convince her. He brought a truck of flowers and a string ensemble to persuade her. She went on the date, but only once. Samuel L. Jackson always accomplishes his mission, but after that, it's up to you.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Lew said...

During the 1996 superbowl, Dallas' quarterback was injured, so they dressed Samuel L. Jackson in his uniform. He tackled the opposing quarterback from Pittsburg, breaking his clavicle in 3 places. Samuel L. Jackson scored the final touchdown as Neil O'Donnell was being airlifted to the hospital.

5:48 PM  

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