Global Warming Hits Home

In 1985, the cold war was approaching the peak of its arms buildup and my cousin Larry had joined the Army. They attached him to a special arctic combat unit which was trained to invade Siberia by crossing the arctic circle and coming across the north pole.

The military injected him with some sort of anti-freezing drug. It wasn't really anti-freezing. It was based off the biochemistry of this frog that can be completely frozen solid and then thawed out and the frog will be perfectly fine. They gave him this stuff to prevent frostbite and hypothermia. That year, tragedy struck when my cousin Larry fell into an ice crevice and was assumed by the military to be dead. His body was never recovered.

Last Wednesday at 5:30 pm, my cousin Larry showed up at his parent's door step, having not aged a day in 21 years. Everyone was so happy to see him, and he explained to us that he had become frozen solid in the ice shelf, but the polar ice cap is melting because of global warming, so the ice he was in broke apart into an iceberg and he washed up on shore in Guatemala, and was perfectly fine when he thawed out. The military still keeps their ice warrior drug a secret, so he's not allowed to talk to the press and he's not even allowed to tell anyone what happened but he told us cause he knew we wouldn't tell anyone anyway.