Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Origin of Graffiti

Graffiti is not a new phenomenon. It was invented in 1564 by a housepainter inVenice, Italy named Alfredo Graffiti (1531-1590). Alfredo had the habit of writing his grocery list on the walls yet to be painted. At the end of the day he would commit the list to memory and paint over it. Other citizens of Venice began copying Alfredo, writing their own grocery lists on random walls, much to the chagrin of the piazza owners.

By coincidence, Gino Graffiti (1936-1959), no relation, invented canned spray paint in 1953.

Sunday, October 29, 2006


The crappy old computer I have in my bedroom is just for show. My real computer is in the basement. It has a metatronic processor, there were less than a hundred made, all of them are owned by the pentagon except for mine. My brother stole it from an army base and brought it home and gave it to me for Christmas. He didn't realize how good it was. It's one of the fastest supercomputers ever made and it will run World of Warcraft at over a million frames per second, which doesn't matter because no monitor can show that many frames a second, but it's still cool.

Friday, October 27, 2006


The Simpsons is animated in Korea, where slave laborers are forced to animate the cells at gunpoint by guards for 16 hours a day, under sweatshop conditions. The last animator who attempted escape was shot in the back as he ran screaming from his art desk.

Of course, the Simpsons is written right here in the USA, by Starbucks drinking, donut eating ivy league educated hipsters who are required by company policy to wear a soul patch.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

US: Get Ready for the New Unit of Measurement

The United States Bureau of Weights and Measures today confirmed they are abandoning the metric system as the replacement for measuring distances. For decades, the system based on the 'meter' held promise because, as independent studies reveal, Americans would prefer a decimal-based system in which it is easier to do math. In practice, however, the majority felt uncomfortable switching to a system whose basic unit had no meaning in real life (unlike, for example, the foot).

That's why the Bureau in conjunction with the Dept. of Commerce today revealed the new standard for measuring distance: the starbuck. One starbuck is the average distance between Starbucks, or .273 miles. For example, my office is exactly 32.4 starbucks from my house. In a smaller scale, one millistarbuck is 49 inches.

The Dept. of Commerce expects complete conversion by the end of 2007.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Oil Futures

In other news today, oil prices climbed $2 a barrel on fears that a giant robot will rampage through downtown New York, firing menacing laser beams and leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

Industry officials cite research from the Kato Institute that the risks of giant robot attacks have increased ten fold based on breakthroughs in nanotechnology, quantum computing, AI, and the sun's alpha particle decay rate.

Joe Watley, an analyst with JP Morgan Chase, NA was quoted as saying "We feel it's a strong time to buy oil futures. The risk of a giant robot destroying an American city is far greater than ever before, and the U.S. Government is completely unprepared to deal with an attack of that magnitude. Any such attack would cause a major disruption in the supply of oil, and spike a major increase in demand as terrified refugees flee the city in fear of their lives as a massive, mechanical abomination destroys their homes, places of business, and way of life."

Ronald Randolph, a commodities trader for Berkshire Hathaway disagreed: "As terrifying as the prospect of a giant robot (perhaps a secret military robot) unfolding from a laboratory and attempting to destroy all of mankind in a digital rage may be, we see no evidence this is any more likely than it was yesterday, and will not issue a buy recommendation based on these unsubstantiated fears."

U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff issued a statement at his 9:30 am press conference: "Although the Department of Homeland Security has no specific intelligence regarding an attack of a giant robot, we are prepared to defend Americans against giants of every sort: Giant robots, genetic experiments, cloned dinosaurs, space monsters, ultra-cats, and human growth hormone injected super-terrorists alike."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

We Are the Champions

I made up that song "We Are the Champions." I played it for Freddie Mercury at a party. He said it was okay, but the next thing I know, Queen made a big hit out of it and I never got any credit.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Attempted Break In

Today at work, there was this guy nosing around my car. I thought he was gonna steal something so I chucked a bucket of latex paint at him off the roof because I knew it would wash off my car, it's water soluble. That guy was white as a ghost and none too happy, but my car never got broken into.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Time I Got Mugged by Robot Elvis

Well, I did it good this time. I knew I shouldn't have posted that thing about Robot Elvis, and somehow I jinxed myself. I was walking down the street and I felt a metal fist hit me in the back of the head. As Robot Elvis rained blows upon me, I began to loose consciousness. He stole my keys, my wallet, my hat, and my chapstick. I don't know what Robot Elvis needs with chapstick, but I didn't design him. I think he's malfunctioned in some way causing him to misbehave even worse than the original Elvis. I spent most of the week in the hospital, which is why I didn't post any new true stories.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

How Not to Lose Weight

A corollary of quantum theory states that every time you weigh something, the fact of observing the measurement increases the weight of the object slightly. So the more you weigh yourself, the more you weigh. That's why people who obsess about their weight keep getting heavier.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

George Beckenworth II, Son of a Tree

When you eat an apple and you spit out a seed, if the seed grows, the DNA from your saliva is replicated by the genes of the plant so that every cell carries parts of your DNA. Earlier this year in England, scientists cloned a man named George Beckenworth from an apple tree that grew from a seed that Mr. Beckenworth spat out in 1932, a few years before he died.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Broadcast from the Future

When I was 10 or 11 years old, I built a radio from a kit. When I was finished, I plugged in the earphone and turned the dial. I got a lot of static, then I heard a newscast where they were talking about two companies called Google and YouTube. Such silly names, I thought. Nobody would name their companies Google and YouTube. Then all of sudden the radio switched to Hello Goodbye by the Beatles, which I loved. I forgot all about that weird newscast all these years. Until yesterday when I was driving home from work, and I heard the same newscast! Oh my God! My radio had played a broadcast from the future! I don't know what ever happened to that radio. Has that ever happened to you?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Robot Elvis

When Elvis was still alive, he was having a robotic replica of himself made. Not only did he want it to look and move like him, but he wanted it to act like him as well. He had the programmers make the Robot Elvis shoot TVs when it didn't like what was on it and chase after underaged girls.

After Elvis died, nobody knew what to do with it, and it turned up missing. Some people think Robot Elvis was stolen, and some people think that he escaped. Whichever one it was, Robot Elvis is responsible for most of the Elvis sightings and that's why people think he's still alive.

Bee Cannon

I built this canon that can shoot an entire hive of bees out the barrel. This is accomplished by placing an entire hive in the firing chamber and using an explosive gas to blast the bees out.

I've only fired it a couple times because it takes me a long time to grow the bee hives, I grow them in the right shape for the canon. When the bees come rocketing out of the barrel, man are those bees mad. Once I test fired it but later I used it on an annoying neighbor. He never even saw it coming because I put a silencer on the bee cannon. He was stung 96 times, it was even in the newspaper. "Area man stung by swarm of bees."

My Office Chair

My office chair was custom made. It's a tall, high backed wooden affair. The employees call it "the throne" and with good reason. It projects an air of magnificence, all who come into the room must look up to me if not with respect, just because I'm higher than them. The chair itself was crafted by the finest wood workers and jewelers of Yorkshire, England (known for centuries for producing high quality thrones.) It is gold plated and festooned with emeralds, bejeweled with diamonds, rubies, and sapphires. It shines with such a brilliance that it is difficult to gaze upon me. The cushions are made from the finest velvet, imported from Brazil. The regal nature of the chair and the splendor of it's diamond encrusted headboard have intimidated many business partners as they enter my office, but in the end they come to see the obvious and jump at the chance to do business with me.

The chair goes really well with my silken business robes.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I Don't Need Another Medal

Well, they wanted to give me a medal for heroism at the Hero of the Year Award ceremony today. That was for when I saved a whole school bus full of kids from falling in the river. It's lucky I'm so strong because when I saw the bus headed down the hill with no brakes, I chased after it on my bicycle, then I slashed the tires with my dagger to slow it down and just before it got to the edge of the cliff I pried the door open and got all the kids out of there. Just when I got the last kid out, the bus pitched over the edge and blew up.

I didn't want the medal so I gave it to one of the kids from the bus. I already have a bunch of other hero medals.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Sewer Vegetables

My grandmother's intestinal apple tree reminds me about some people I know who harvest all their produce from a sewer that runs by their house. There are a few places where the sunlight comes in from drainage openings, which in combination with the extremely fertile compost in the sewer creates the perfect condition for broccoli, cabbage, corn and many other foods. Big Agribusiness doesn't want you to know about this because it would undercut their profits. That's why they introduced E-coli in the lettuce, to put people off of the idea.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Don't Eat Apple Seeds

Approximately 2% of the population lacks enzymes that break down apple seeds in the digestion process. Sometimes these people eat apple seeds and the seed gets stuck in the lining of their intestine -- many of these people actually have trees growing inside them and don't know it. The trees don't get very big because they don't get enough light. This happened to my grandmother and they only found out about it when they were operating on her stomach. The surgeons couldn't remove the tree because its root system was tangled up with her intestines, so they called in an emergency arborist to prune it.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Guess who I threw off a porch.

Did you see Rick Sandbeck's face? I did that to him. He was mouthing off at a party and so I punched him a couple times and then threw him off a porch. He fell four stories but landed in a pile of leaves, so he didn't get hurt so bad. He'll think twice before he mouths off again.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The Cure for Cancer

Get a pencil, here's the cure for cancer:


250mg of lithium procyanate
300mg of potassium cyanide
100mg of silica sulfate

liquefy with an electric arch, preferably from a tesla coil but an arc welder will do in a pinch.

Mix the melted compound with 1 gram of molten boron. Fire in a blast furnace for at least 9 hours. Let the mixture cool down, and then grind into a powered and make into pills.

The government doesn't want you to know this because they use cancer for population control.

The Time I Got Shot

A couple years back these 4 guys jumped me out back of a bar. I managed to fight off 3 of them but then the 4th guy saw that they were loosing and shot me in the gut. I wrestled the gun away from him and shot him with it. The other three guys were unconscious, so then I walked 10 miles to the nearest hospital, I had to do the last mile on my hands and knees. When I got there the ER room doors were broken so I pried them open, and lurched into the ER holding my intestines in my hands. The doctors said the only thing that kept me alive was how strong I was, because I lift weights at the gym all the time. If I wasn't that strong I would have died trying to get there on the side of the road.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Last time I pulled a job.

Last week I stole $25,000 from a retail cash drop at the local electronics store. You know, where they store the cash before the armored car came to pick it up. We broke in through the glass front doors with a plasma cutter and cut the front door to the safe open in a matter of seconds. The whole robbery took less than 5 minutes and we switched cars 3 blocks away. Frankly, I'm surprised there was only 25 grand in there because usually the cash drop for a store like that is a lot bigger. I'll time it better next time.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Cosmo Kramer

A lot of people don't know this, but the character of Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld was based on baseball star Reggie Jackson.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


Dimples are caused by low blood pressure. Usually dimples are a sign that the person doesn't get enough blood circulation to their brain.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Liability Insurance

That guy won't be covered under my liability insurance if something happens to him, so he'll be on his own.

No, I don't have liability insurance on you either.

No, I'm going through the papers with my insurance agent, I'm going to buy a policy.

Don't worry, you'll be covered if anything happens.

Booger Bug

I know this sounds gross but I swear it's true. People in some indigenous tribes in the Amazon never spread diseases or need to blow their noses, because they let the xikatha bug eat their boogers. This small green insect, humorously dubbed the "booger bug" by anthropologists, feeds off of nasal discharge and causes a pleasant tickling sensation in the human nose when scouting for food. The American Medical Association doesn't want you to know about this because it would eliminate 47% of all visits to family doctors.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Bees Don't Make Honey

Shocking as it is to most people, the true fact is that bees don't make honey. They steal it. Instead of working, they spend their days snorting pollen. Scientists know this, but grade school teachers are hiding the truth.