Oil Futures

In other news today, oil prices climbed $2 a barrel on fears that a giant robot will rampage through downtown New York, firing menacing laser beams and leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

Industry officials cite research from the Kato Institute that the risks of giant robot attacks have increased ten fold based on breakthroughs in nanotechnology, quantum computing, AI, and the sun's alpha particle decay rate.

Joe Watley, an analyst with JP Morgan Chase, NA was quoted as saying "We feel it's a strong time to buy oil futures. The risk of a giant robot destroying an American city is far greater than ever before, and the U.S. Government is completely unprepared to deal with an attack of that magnitude. Any such attack would cause a major disruption in the supply of oil, and spike a major increase in demand as terrified refugees flee the city in fear of their lives as a massive, mechanical abomination destroys their homes, places of business, and way of life."

Ronald Randolph, a commodities trader for Berkshire Hathaway disagreed: "As terrifying as the prospect of a giant robot (perhaps a secret military robot) unfolding from a laboratory and attempting to destroy all of mankind in a digital rage may be, we see no evidence this is any more likely than it was yesterday, and will not issue a buy recommendation based on these unsubstantiated fears."

U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff issued a statement at his 9:30 am press conference: "Although the Department of Homeland Security has no specific intelligence regarding an attack of a giant robot, we are prepared to defend Americans against giants of every sort: Giant robots, genetic experiments, cloned dinosaurs, space monsters, ultra-cats, and human growth hormone injected super-terrorists alike."