VARIOUS LIES

Toy Litter Box

2010-08-24T19:17:00.001-07:00

Tyco is releasing a toy litter box, for kids. It's similar in principal to the baby dolls they sell that mess their own diaper and have to be changed.

This one works like those self cleaning litter boxes, but the opposite, in that it slowly fills itself with fake cat feces over the course of weeks. The fake feces is a substance similar to play dough, and the fake cat litter is made of plastic shavings.

It is intended to give kids the opportunity to experience pet ownership without the actual hassle and expense of owning a real cat. It will debut for the upcoming holiday shopping season and will include a mangy looking stuffed cat. The MSRP will be $49.99. Simulated cat feces refill cartridges will cost $8.99 and last around a week.

Although the product hasn't even been released yet Tyco is expecting it to be so successful they're already starting design work on a system to deposit fake dog turds on a lawn. Prototypes include a robotic dog, like the opposite of a roomba, which will just kind of randomly leave its base station and drop product every 8 hours.

Uncle Larry's Heart Attack

2010-08-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

One time my Uncle Larry drank so much beer that he was declared legally dead for 6 hours. We were having a BBQ and on a dare my dad hooked him up to the keg and he almost emptied it. The paramedics came and got him then he was declared dead on arrival at the hospital. Later, he woke up in the morgue. The doctors said they had never seen a case of alcohol poisoning that bad before.

Another time, Uncle Larry parked his car in our swimming pool.

Union Bolt Loosen-er

2010-08-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today at work I was bolting some support structures together but I didn't follow the print quite right and had to take a couple stands apart. I started working on it when the super showed up and told me to drop what I was doing while he called in a union bolt loosen-er from the Local 404 hall. I had no idea those guys had their own union but they're pretty protective of their trade and don't like other unions horning in on their territory.

It was pretty kick-ass cause I got to go on break for 3 hours until he showed up to take the last four bolts out, and by then it was quitting time.

Super Extreme mode in Call of Duty

2009-08-26T01:10:00.001-07:00

If you beat the newest Call of Duty game on the hardest mode, it unlocks Super Extreme mode. You've got to be really careful if you play Super Extreme mode, though, because if you die in the game you die in real life.

The awful truth about MasterCard

2008-12-25T23:25:00.001-08:00

MasterCard was originally only given to white people. That's where the phrase "playing the race card" comes from.

Book Review: Running the Blues - The Real Life Story of Jake and Elwood Blues

2008-10-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Running the Blues - The Real Life Story of Jake and Elwood Blues will go press in December. It is a career defining masterpiece for the author, Ron Rickson. I happened to score a pre-release copy through an arrangement with Bantam Press. Front to back, Hanging the Blues is a surprise packed, almost encyclopedic account of the meteoric rise to stardom of Jake and Elwood Blues, the real life inspiration for the hit 1980 film "The Blues Brothers", and their subsequent fall from grace.

The book covers the entire life story of two brothers growing up in an orphanage in Chicago, their musical career, and even their run-ins with the law. The story is told mostly from interviews with band members, friends, and even co-workers of the Blues Brothers. The author does an excellent job retelling one of the most amazing stories in modern music, not by re-packaging and embellishing details, but by recording the memories of those who were along for the ride. The only weakness in this extremely detailed format is that some chapters are quite boring, almost trivial, as Rickson interviews the brother’s childhood friends and exhaustively details their arrest records.

The author more than makes up for it with tons of details and photos, and even a CD of their earliest musical works with some live recordings of their performances at bars and wedding banquets, along with a recording of police radio from the night of their infamous car chase in Chicago, IL, after a drug bust backstage at one of their performances.

It also dives into the shocking parallels between the lives of Jake Blues and his onscreen counterpart, John Belushi, as both died from drug overdoses at the height of their careers, and includes a poignant interview with Elwood Blues about the death of his brother.

Also detailed was the making of the legendary film and the subsequent lawsuit with Universal Pictures, who, to this day, claim the movie was entirely a work of fiction to avoid paying royalties to Elwood and the estate of Jake Blues.

One of the most interesting, and hilarious stories recounted in the book comes in an interview with Larry Critowski, Jake Blues’ campaign manager in his abortive run for mayor of Chicago against Jane Byrne. Larry regales the reader with stories from the election, such as when Jake showed up to a televised debate with Jane Byrne visibly intoxicated and at one point launched into a profanity-laden tirade about trash service in the city, claiming that his trash had not been picked up “since Mayor Daley died” During the debate, Jake invoked racial epitaphs against the Irish 8 times, and caused the National Irish-American Association to issue the following statement: “We, and presumably all Irish Americans, are shocked and appalled at the implication that Irish Americans are inclined to alcoholism , laziness, or criminal behavior. We demand that Jake Blues immediately apologize for his statements.”

At 783 pages, the length and amount of detail in the book may only be suitable for hard core fans of blues music, or hard line fans of the motion picture, however, the quality of the photos and audio CD are enough to justify the price tag of $39.95, and the overall quality of publication makes this a suitable coffee table book for the enjoyment of guests either at home or in a place of business.

I give this book a high rating of 3 ½ belts of scotch and would recommend it to anyone with an interest in film, music, or Chicago politics.

Various Lies - 25th Anniversary Black Tie Gala

2008-09-19T21:24:00.001-07:00

The management and staff of Various Lies will be celebrating our 25th year in circulation on Friday, October 3rd, 2008, in the International Ballroom at the Chicago Hilton. This event is open to the public, and tickets are now on sale at a price of $220 per person. The dress code for the evening will be formal. Seating is limited, so act quickly to secure your seat at the table.

Please join us to celebrate this auspicious occasion. Varous Lies started out 25 years ago as a small newspaper, and has expanded into an online powerhouse, culminating in a Pulitzer Prize last year. Today, Various Lies boasts a readership of nearly 250,000 unique page views per day, and is widely praised for upholding journalistic ethics and integrity in an age of sensationalism and bias.

Chickens can do math

2008-09-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

There's a new research study at some big university that shows that chickens are naturally able to do basic math. The really cool thing is they've done selective breeding on some and genetic engineering and stuff so some of their chickens can do more complex math. They think it's going to be the next big thing in the poultry industry.

Presidential picking team

2008-09-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

My dad is part of the secret group that picks who gets to be the next president. It's decided in advance, so I know who it is going to be this time around, but I can't tell you because I don't want my dad to get in trouble.

Electronic music ears

2008-08-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

My brother in law plays cello for a big symphony. I'm not supposed to tell anybody, but he told me that a lot of the musicians he works with have special electronic devices implanted in their ears that help them hear the music better so they can play it better. I guess it's like the industry secret.

The Running of The Nerds

2008-07-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Most people know about The Running of the Bulls in Spain, but every year on July 7th, in Silicon Valley, the city of Cupertino holds The Running of the Nerds.

Before the running of the nerds, a set of wooden or iron barricades is erected to direct the nerds along the route and to block off sidestreets. There may be a double row of barricades along the route to allow runners to quickly exit in case of danger. The gaps in the barricades are wide enough for a person to slip through, but narrow enough to block most nerds.

Only women over over eighteen and entering the itinerary before 7:30 AM are allowed to participate and run from the nerds. Other prohibitions are to run under the influence of alcohol, run in the opposite direction of the running or incite the nerds. (In 1998, 125 nerds were injured during a melee before the race after one of the runners screamed out her opinion as to the superiority of Captain Picard over Captain Kirk.)

Should a nerd catch one of the women, she is his for the day, in the tradition of a bachelor auction. In the past 26 years, only 3 women have been caught, and 14 nerds have been killed. Every year between 200 and 300 people are injured during the run although most injuries are contusions due to falls and are not serious.

Despite all the injuries, the city of Cupertino continues the practice. "We feel that this is an important event, it provides many of the city's more socially awkward citizens a small hope of interacting with a real, live woman, if only for a short while." said Mayor Dolly Sandoval

David Hasselhoff is my uncle

2008-07-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

David Hasselhoff is my uncle. No, I can't get you his autograph. Really, I don't see him that much, because he's famous so he's always working on a show or something.

College these days

2008-07-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Man, you can major in anything nowadays. My cousin got a degree in Early 80's Sitcom Studies. He can't really get a job with it, but he can name all the writers from Laverne & Shirley, which I guess is sort of cool.

Literacy impeded

2007-11-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

In Narubia, because of the natural pigmentation of the tree bark, the natives make paper that is almost black, and they use a white ink to write on it. That's why they never became very literate there. It takes too long to fill the entire piece of paper with white ink except for the letters.

Schools in Dubai

2007-05-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

In Dubai, everyone is so wealthy because of oil revenues that no one needs to work. They just stay in school. I know this because I have a friend whose Dad lives there and he'll be starting 52nd grade this September.

My Ten Years in Hiding

2007-04-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

I lived secretly in the woods for ten years when the FBI confused my name with a counterfeiter and came after me. I lived off mostly elk that I would kill with my spear and sometimes my bare hands, and also berries and things like that. Finally they caught the right guy and I could move back to Pittsburgh.

KY Jelly

2007-04-18T18:45:00.001-07:00

Did you know that KY liquid jelly was invented in kentucky and that's what it stands for?

My Pokemon friends

2007-04-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

Before I came here, I lived in Japan, you know. I lived in the village where most of the Pokemon characters actually live. I hung out with them every day. They were very cool, and it was great to be part of their games.

I'm sad that I can't talk to them any more, because they don't have email there.

Just a few stitches

2007-04-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, I got this cut on my cheek yesterday when I got hit by a train. I was crossing the street listening to my tunes and I didn't hear the whistle blowing and the next thing I knew this train hit me at 60 mph. Luckily I have good intestinal fortitude so it didn't hurt too bad. The train is really messed up though.

America's Army

2007-04-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

A lot of people don't know this, but the America's Army game, put out as a recruitment tool by the US armed forces, isn't just a recruitment aide. It has subliminal messaging, like a magic eye 3d poster, but in video game form. The more you play it, it teaches you all kinds of military killing skills.

I spend every free minute playing that game so I can become a better killing machine. The other week I got attacked by a stray coyote and grabbed it by it's face and smashed it's head into the sidewalk. I did it all without thinking. If I hadn't played that game, I probably would have run in terror and got mauled.

Spelling Test

2007-04-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

Well the reason I only got three right on my spelling test is because the letters keep changing. That was a Y, but it curled up into a E! And I had two Ls there, but someone stole one of them. I hate this stupid piece of paper!

Various Lies Hits 10 million users; Wins Pulitzer

2007-04-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

As of today, April 1, Various Lies celebrated its 10 millionth hit, just as we received congratulations from the Pulitzer family on winning their famous award. As a result, the U.S. Congress declared henceforth April 1 of every year to be "Various Lies" day.

Alphabetical Reorder

2007-03-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

Up until the early 1920's, N came before M in the alphabet. But the composer of the "Alphabet Song," which became a huge hit in 1922, accidentally reversed the letters. Educators complained loudly. But with small children singing the catchy bridge ("H, I, J, K, LMNOP"), the previous ordering was soon forgotten. In 1925, the Harry Snelling Orchestra released a competing song, called "Pardon Me, It's LNMOP." But the melody was so uninspiring that the record remained largely unheard, and unheard of.

By 1927, libraries all over the United States and Great Britain were forced to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars re-ordering their catalog card files.

How to Rotate Your Tires

2007-03-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Always rotate your tires in the counter-clockwise direction. If you rotate them in the clockwise direction, the wear will accumulate along a Fourier transform function and reduce the lifetime of the tire by 1/3.

Apple Owner Manuals

2007-03-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

In California, it is now illegal to sell apples in grocery stores and fruit stands without an instruction manual that describes how to eat an apple, and that informs the consumer of the risk of swallowing an apple without chewing it. The manuals must be printed in English, Spanish and Korean.

FedEx

2007-03-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was wondering why every time I get a package from FedEx, it's busted up in some way, and then I was watching the History Channel's Modern Marvels. They were showing FedEx's central sort facility in Denver, Colorado. Most packages that are shipped FedEx will cross through this sort facility at some point. It's a massive, impressive operation, and truly and amazing feat of engineering.

The basics of the facility are this. Each truck backs into the warehouse and utilizes the dump function, like a dump truck, dumping all the packages onto the ground, which is much faster than loading and unloading them. (the ground is padded so boxes don't get smashed up.) Planes don't even land, they just air drop packages into the sort facility like the UN airdrops supplies into a war zone. Once the packages are on the ground in piles, FedEx Union operators push them to the central sort machine with specialized package dozers. They're not really a dozer but more like what they use to load gravel into a dump truck.

Once the packages arrive at the center of the warehouse, a gigantic man eating robot known only as X-321 reads the destination code on the package and kicks it into the proper destination truck or plane like a soccer ball. X-321 was originally developed by the military but they quit using it when they found it couldn't tell the difference between a terrorist with a grenade launcher and a child with an ice cream code. A video of X-321 kicking a small child's head like a soccer ball ended up on youtube and the military sold this robot to FedEx.

Although X-321 occasionally does smash up merchandise, it's only if the box doesn't have enough peanuts or packing material. Think of it as a cushion. The best thing you can do to protect items shipped by FedEx is to put them in the center of a large, hollowed out Nerf ball. If you want a package to get smashed so you can get the insurance money for it, put a turban on top of the box. FedEx hasn't properly deprogrammed X-321 yet and he'll rip it to pieces and try to eat it for fuel.

As bad as all this sounds, it's no where near as bad as what UPS does to packages with their cargo cannons.

Be Careful of Hot Slides

2007-03-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

One day when I was a kid, I was playing on the metal slide in the park, and it was so hot that I stuck to the slide halfway down like a burnt sausage on a frying pan. I was getting pretty cooked until the fire department peeled me off with a surgical spatula. While they carried me to the ambulence someone said "Mmmm! Smells like bacon!"

National Banana Nut Ice Cream Day

2007-03-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Today is National Banana Nut Ice Cream Day. I would take the day off, except last week I took a day off for National Upholstered Ottoman day.

I Dream Backwards

2007-03-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

As long as I can remember, my dreams always go backwards. Like a movie going backwards in a projector. Like, when I fall asleep, I'm being chased by two secret agents, but we're running in reverse, until I get back to my living room, where I'm startled looking at the window where the secret agents just broke in, except they're disappearing in the bushes, and I'm quietly reading a book.

My doctor said to call him and take two aspirin in the morning.

Mexican pizza

2007-03-05T15:19:00.001-08:00

The food we call pizza is actually called tacos in Mexico. What we call tacos didn't actually exist in Mexico until long after they were developed in Arkansas in the 1940s. In Mexico, they call them tacos Americanos, so nobody gets confused.

The toothpaste that the dentist has

2007-03-04T14:36:00.001-08:00

Most people think that you can't buy the same kind of toothpaste as the dentist because they use special equipment. It's actually because it's highly corrosive, and that's why you're only supposed to have it in your mouth when the dentist does it. It really cleans your teeth, but if you used it every day, it could melt your face. That happened to this guy my cousin knows. He stole some from the dentist, because he liked how clean his teeth felt every time he went. He ended up having to have a robotic jaw installed.

Finished Reading!

2007-03-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

Yup, thanks to that speed reading class I took, I finished reading the whole Internet last night. Boy, were my eyes tired. Some of it was pretty interesting, but to tell you the truth it was kind of a letdown. The last thing I read was a blog about a woman in Iowa who took her infant to the mall for the first time.

My Mother was a Secret Astronaut

2007-02-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

When I was 10, my mother went on a secret mission to Jupiter. She was gone for a year and a half. When she came back she brought me a rock that came from one of Jupiter's moons. I still have it. I asked her once why NASA picked her. She said it was because she was really good at directions.

Of course she wouldn't let me tell anyone at school.

Big Oil Loses Money Every Day

2007-01-25T13:43:00.000-08:00

Everyone thinks that the big oil companies are making out like bandits, but people don't realize that they are actually losing money every day. That's because they are forced by tradition to set prices at the pump that are always 1/10th cent less. For example, they can't charge $3.00 per gallon, they can only charge $2.99 and 9/10.

That may not seem like much, but it adds up to pennies per day!

R.I.P. James Brown.

2006-12-25T13:12:00.001-08:00

James Brown, The Godfather of Soul, died today of a P.C.P. overdose. He was 69 years old, and still funky.

Christmas time tragedy for Nicholas Cage.

2006-12-19T13:42:00.001-08:00

When actor Nicholas Cage was only 12 years old, his parents were killed in a housefire on the night before Christmas. They had left the lights wrapped around their Christmas tree turned on when they went to bed, causing the most tragic event ever to befall Nicholas Cage. Prior to becoming an actor, his name had been Francis Simmons, but he took the name of the manufacturer of the lights that caused his parents' untimely death, St. Nick's Cage and Lightbulb Company.

Weird Al Yankovic

2006-12-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

I was the guitar player in Weird Al Yankovic's touring band in the '90s. Weird Al took a prescription drug that made him funny. It stimulates the part of the brain associated with humor. He went off it for a while, and he wasn't funny anymore, so he went back on it.

All the comics use it. That's why they never test comics for humor drugs.

I never got hold of any, which is why I'm not funny. Otherwise I would be hilarious.

Cabin Fart

2006-12-12T10:03:00.000-08:00

Once on a flight from Los Angeles to New York, this huge guy farted and it smelled so bad we had to change planes in Chicago.

Warrior Planet Frenzy

2006-12-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

I was so good at playing Warrior Planet Frenzy online that I wiped out all my opponents, everybody else, and the entire game Universe. I destroyed the whole game so bad that no one else could play it, which is probably why you never heard of it.

Intelligence

2006-12-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

I told my wife, "You have only a fraction of the intelligence that I do."

"I'm sure you're right," she said, "About three halves, probably."

"I'm glad you agree," I said.

My Dissertation

2006-12-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

I did my Masters dissertation on computer-assisted probability modeling. I led a team that built a system comprised of multiple high-speed video cameras and a Cray mainframe computer. We painted a penny white on one side and black on the other. Then we would flip the penny and record its motions. While the penny was still mid-air, the computer would predict whether the penny would land heads (white) or tails (black).

Impressively, the computer had a 52% chance of being right, which is way better than weather modeling. Unfortunately it took 14 days after each coin landed for the computer to finish running the model. Plus, the faculty was biased against me out of jealousy. So I only got a C-.

Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity.

2006-11-29T17:10:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Carter first got involved with Habitat for Humanity after playing a benefit show for them in 1982 with his band, Jimmy Carter and the Car-Tones.

Ultra-cats

2006-11-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

In the 1960s, the Soviet Union as part of their cold war arms buildup began genetic experimentation, resulting in the creation of Ultra-cats. It took years of work, and many revisions of cats, but the final spec for ultra-cats basically read like this: Minimum of 2200 pounds, at least 6 foot high at the shoulder, with strength roughly equivalent to 10 Siberian tigers. For combat certification, each Ultra-cat had to bite through a 2" thick steel bar, rip the tracks off of a T-68 combat tank, and run at least 95mph, although elites could easily top 150.

The problem they had with them, though, is they were too hard to control, and too strong to effectively contain. Many trainers were eaten or gored, Ultra-cats during war games were sometimes known to do more damage to their allies than their enemies, and several escaped custody.

The program was eventually scrapped and all the animals euthanized, except for the few that escaped. They were long thought to be dead, but recently a village in Siberia was devastated by a large, cat like creature the locals have dubbed "ha natma tumbisi" or "That which swallows man whole" Russian officials have had to cover this up, because the program is still classified.

That guy.

2006-11-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

My older brother told me that guy is in love with you and he's going to marry you.

Zero Dollar Bill

2006-11-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

U.S. Treasury Department spokesman Wright Fonteccio announced today that the US Federal Reserve will begin printing dollar bills in the denomination of $0. Purchases less than $1.00 will require the use of the new denomination. For example, a muffin that retails for $0.75 will require payment of one $0 bill plus 75 cents in coins.

The Origin of Graffiti

2006-10-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

Graffiti is not a new phenomenon. It was invented in 1564 by a housepainter inVenice, Italy named Alfredo Graffiti (1531-1590). Alfredo had the habit of writing his grocery list on the walls yet to be painted. At the end of the day he would commit the list to memory and paint over it. Other citizens of Venice began copying Alfredo, writing their own grocery lists on random walls, much to the chagrin of the piazza owners.

By coincidence, Gino Graffiti (1936-1959), no relation, invented canned spray paint in 1953.

Metatronics

2006-10-29T19:18:00.000-08:00

The crappy old computer I have in my bedroom is just for show. My real computer is in the basement. It has a metatronic processor, there were less than a hundred made, all of them are owned by the pentagon except for mine. My brother stole it from an army base and brought it home and gave it to me for Christmas. He didn't realize how good it was. It's one of the fastest supercomputers ever made and it will run World of Warcraft at over a million frames per second, which doesn't matter because no monitor can show that many frames a second, but it's still cool.

Cartoons

2006-10-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons is animated in Korea, where slave laborers are forced to animate the cells at gunpoint by guards for 16 hours a day, under sweatshop conditions. The last animator who attempted escape was shot in the back as he ran screaming from his art desk.

Of course, the Simpsons is written right here in the USA, by Starbucks drinking, donut eating ivy league educated hipsters who are required by company policy to wear a soul patch.

US: Get Ready for the New Unit of Measurement

2006-10-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

The United States Bureau of Weights and Measures today confirmed they are abandoning the metric system as the replacement for measuring distances. For decades, the system based on the 'meter' held promise because, as independent studies reveal, Americans would prefer a decimal-based system in which it is easier to do math. In practice, however, the majority felt uncomfortable switching to a system whose basic unit had no meaning in real life (unlike, for example, the foot).

That's why the Bureau in conjunction with the Dept. of Commerce today revealed the new standard for measuring distance: the starbuck. One starbuck is the average distance between Starbucks, or .273 miles. For example, my office is exactly 32.4 starbucks from my house. In a smaller scale, one millistarbuck is 49 inches.

The Dept. of Commerce expects complete conversion by the end of 2007.

Oil Futures

2006-10-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

In other news today, oil prices climbed $2 a barrel on fears that a giant robot will rampage through downtown New York, firing menacing laser beams and leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

Industry officials cite research from the Kato Institute that the risks of giant robot attacks have increased ten fold based on breakthroughs in nanotechnology, quantum computing, AI, and the sun's alpha particle decay rate.

Joe Watley, an analyst with JP Morgan Chase, NA was quoted as saying "We feel it's a strong time to buy oil futures. The risk of a giant robot destroying an American city is far greater than ever before, and the U.S. Government is completely unprepared to deal with an attack of that magnitude. Any such attack would cause a major disruption in the supply of oil, and spike a major increase in demand as terrified refugees flee the city in fear of their lives as a massive, mechanical abomination destroys their homes, places of business, and way of life."

Ronald Randolph, a commodities trader for Berkshire Hathaway disagreed: "As terrifying as the prospect of a giant robot (perhaps a secret military robot) unfolding from a laboratory and attempting to destroy all of mankind in a digital rage may be, we see no evidence this is any more likely than it was yesterday, and will not issue a buy recommendation based on these unsubstantiated fears."

U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff issued a statement at his 9:30 am press conference: "Although the Department of Homeland Security has no specific intelligence regarding an attack of a giant robot, we are prepared to defend Americans against giants of every sort: Giant robots, genetic experiments, cloned dinosaurs, space monsters, ultra-cats, and human growth hormone injected super-terrorists alike."

We Are the Champions

2006-10-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

I made up that song "We Are the Champions." I played it for Freddie Mercury at a party. He said it was okay, but the next thing I know, Queen made a big hit out of it and I never got any credit.

Attempted Break In

2006-10-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today at work, there was this guy nosing around my car. I thought he was gonna steal something so I chucked a bucket of latex paint at him off the roof because I knew it would wash off my car, it's water soluble. That guy was white as a ghost and none too happy, but my car never got broken into.

The Time I Got Mugged by Robot Elvis

2006-10-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it good this time. I knew I shouldn't have posted that thing about Robot Elvis, and somehow I jinxed myself. I was walking down the street and I felt a metal fist hit me in the back of the head. As Robot Elvis rained blows upon me, I began to loose consciousness. He stole my keys, my wallet, my hat, and my chapstick. I don't know what Robot Elvis needs with chapstick, but I didn't design him. I think he's malfunctioned in some way causing him to misbehave even worse than the original Elvis. I spent most of the week in the hospital, which is why I didn't post any new true stories.

How Not to Lose Weight

2006-10-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

A corollary of quantum theory states that every time you weigh something, the fact of observing the measurement increases the weight of the object slightly. So the more you weigh yourself, the more you weigh. That's why people who obsess about their weight keep getting heavier.

George Beckenworth II, Son of a Tree

2006-10-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

When you eat an apple and you spit out a seed, if the seed grows, the DNA from your saliva is replicated by the genes of the plant so that every cell carries parts of your DNA. Earlier this year in England, scientists cloned a man named George Beckenworth from an apple tree that grew from a seed that Mr. Beckenworth spat out in 1932, a few years before he died.

Broadcast from the Future

2006-10-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

When I was 10 or 11 years old, I built a radio from a kit. When I was finished, I plugged in the earphone and turned the dial. I got a lot of static, then I heard a newscast where they were talking about two companies called Google and YouTube. Such silly names, I thought. Nobody would name their companies Google and YouTube. Then all of sudden the radio switched to Hello Goodbye by the Beatles, which I loved. I forgot all about that weird newscast all these years. Until yesterday when I was driving home from work, and I heard the same newscast! Oh my God! My radio had played a broadcast from the future! I don't know what ever happened to that radio. Has that ever happened to you?

Robot Elvis

2006-10-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

When Elvis was still alive, he was having a robotic replica of himself made. Not only did he want it to look and move like him, but he wanted it to act like him as well. He had the programmers make the Robot Elvis shoot TVs when it didn't like what was on it and chase after underaged girls.

After Elvis died, nobody knew what to do with it, and it turned up missing. Some people think Robot Elvis was stolen, and some people think that he escaped. Whichever one it was, Robot Elvis is responsible for most of the Elvis sightings and that's why people think he's still alive.

Bee Cannon

2006-10-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

I built this canon that can shoot an entire hive of bees out the barrel. This is accomplished by placing an entire hive in the firing chamber and using an explosive gas to blast the bees out.

I've only fired it a couple times because it takes me a long time to grow the bee hives, I grow them in the right shape for the canon. When the bees come rocketing out of the barrel, man are those bees mad. Once I test fired it but later I used it on an annoying neighbor. He never even saw it coming because I put a silencer on the bee cannon. He was stung 96 times, it was even in the newspaper. "Area man stung by swarm of bees."

My Office Chair

2006-10-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

My office chair was custom made. It's a tall, high backed wooden affair. The employees call it "the throne" and with good reason. It projects an air of magnificence, all who come into the room must look up to me if not with respect, just because I'm higher than them. The chair itself was crafted by the finest wood workers and jewelers of Yorkshire, England (known for centuries for producing high quality thrones.) It is gold plated and festooned with emeralds, bejeweled with diamonds, rubies, and sapphires. It shines with such a brilliance that it is difficult to gaze upon me. The cushions are made from the finest velvet, imported from Brazil. The regal nature of the chair and the splendor of it's diamond encrusted headboard have intimidated many business partners as they enter my office, but in the end they come to see the obvious and jump at the chance to do business with me.

The chair goes really well with my silken business robes.

I Don't Need Another Medal

2006-10-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

Well, they wanted to give me a medal for heroism at the Hero of the Year Award ceremony today. That was for when I saved a whole school bus full of kids from falling in the river. It's lucky I'm so strong because when I saw the bus headed down the hill with no brakes, I chased after it on my bicycle, then I slashed the tires with my dagger to slow it down and just before it got to the edge of the cliff I pried the door open and got all the kids out of there. Just when I got the last kid out, the bus pitched over the edge and blew up.

I didn't want the medal so I gave it to one of the kids from the bus. I already have a bunch of other hero medals.

Sewer Vegetables

2006-10-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

My grandmother's intestinal apple tree reminds me about some people I know who harvest all their produce from a sewer that runs by their house. There are a few places where the sunlight comes in from drainage openings, which in combination with the extremely fertile compost in the sewer creates the perfect condition for broccoli, cabbage, corn and many other foods. Big Agribusiness doesn't want you to know about this because it would undercut their profits. That's why they introduced E-coli in the lettuce, to put people off of the idea.

Don't Eat Apple Seeds

2006-10-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

Approximately 2% of the population lacks enzymes that break down apple seeds in the digestion process. Sometimes these people eat apple seeds and the seed gets stuck in the lining of their intestine -- many of these people actually have trees growing inside them and don't know it. The trees don't get very big because they don't get enough light. This happened to my grandmother and they only found out about it when they were operating on her stomach. The surgeons couldn't remove the tree because its root system was tangled up with her intestines, so they called in an emergency arborist to prune it.

Guess who I threw off a porch.

2006-10-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Did you see Rick Sandbeck's face? I did that to him. He was mouthing off at a party and so I punched him a couple times and then threw him off a porch. He fell four stories but landed in a pile of leaves, so he didn't get hurt so bad. He'll think twice before he mouths off again.

The Cure for Cancer

2006-10-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

Get a pencil, here's the cure for cancer:

Mix:

250mg of lithium procyanate
300mg of potassium cyanide
100mg of silica sulfate

liquefy with an electric arch, preferably from a tesla coil but an arc welder will do in a pinch.

Mix the melted compound with 1 gram of molten boron. Fire in a blast furnace for at least 9 hours. Let the mixture cool down, and then grind into a powered and make into pills.

The government doesn't want you to know this because they use cancer for population control.

The Time I Got Shot

2006-10-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

A couple years back these 4 guys jumped me out back of a bar. I managed to fight off 3 of them but then the 4th guy saw that they were loosing and shot me in the gut. I wrestled the gun away from him and shot him with it. The other three guys were unconscious, so then I walked 10 miles to the nearest hospital, I had to do the last mile on my hands and knees. When I got there the ER room doors were broken so I pried them open, and lurched into the ER holding my intestines in my hands. The doctors said the only thing that kept me alive was how strong I was, because I lift weights at the gym all the time. If I wasn't that strong I would have died trying to get there on the side of the road.

Last time I pulled a job.

2006-10-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

Last week I stole $25,000 from a retail cash drop at the local electronics store. You know, where they store the cash before the armored car came to pick it up. We broke in through the glass front doors with a plasma cutter and cut the front door to the safe open in a matter of seconds. The whole robbery took less than 5 minutes and we switched cars 3 blocks away. Frankly, I'm surprised there was only 25 grand in there because usually the cash drop for a store like that is a lot bigger. I'll time it better next time.

Cosmo Kramer

2006-10-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

A lot of people don't know this, but the character of Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld was based on baseball star Reggie Jackson.

Dimples

2006-10-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dimples are caused by low blood pressure. Usually dimples are a sign that the person doesn't get enough blood circulation to their brain.

Liability Insurance

2006-10-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

That guy won't be covered under my liability insurance if something happens to him, so he'll be on his own.

No, I don't have liability insurance on you either.

No, I'm going through the papers with my insurance agent, I'm going to buy a policy.

Don't worry, you'll be covered if anything happens.

Booger Bug

2006-10-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

I know this sounds gross but I swear it's true. People in some indigenous tribes in the Amazon never spread diseases or need to blow their noses, because they let the xikatha bug eat their boogers. This small green insect, humorously dubbed the "booger bug" by anthropologists, feeds off of nasal discharge and causes a pleasant tickling sensation in the human nose when scouting for food. The American Medical Association doesn't want you to know about this because it would eliminate 47% of all visits to family doctors.

Bees Don't Make Honey

2006-10-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Shocking as it is to most people, the true fact is that bees don't make honey. They steal it. Instead of working, they spend their days snorting pollen. Scientists know this, but grade school teachers are hiding the truth.

Glass Eye

2006-09-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

This eye here, my left eye, is actually glass. But you can't tell because it cost $50,000 and it's perfect. There is only one craftsman in the world who can make eyes like this, and he lives in Switzerland. He only makes two eyes a year. It has a tiny video camera that is wired into my brain lobe so that I can mostly see, but it's in black and white.

Global Warming Hits Home

2006-09-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

In 1985, the cold war was approaching the peak of its arms buildup and my cousin Larry had joined the Army. They attached him to a special arctic combat unit which was trained to invade Siberia by crossing the arctic circle and coming across the north pole.

The military injected him with some sort of anti-freezing drug. It wasn't really anti-freezing. It was based off the biochemistry of this frog that can be completely frozen solid and then thawed out and the frog will be perfectly fine. They gave him this stuff to prevent frostbite and hypothermia. That year, tragedy struck when my cousin Larry fell into an ice crevice and was assumed by the military to be dead. His body was never recovered.

Last Wednesday at 5:30 pm, my cousin Larry showed up at his parent's door step, having not aged a day in 21 years. Everyone was so happy to see him, and he explained to us that he had become frozen solid in the ice shelf, but the polar ice cap is melting because of global warming, so the ice he was in broke apart into an iceberg and he washed up on shore in Guatemala, and was perfectly fine when he thawed out. The military still keeps their ice warrior drug a secret, so he's not allowed to talk to the press and he's not even allowed to tell anyone what happened but he told us cause he knew we wouldn't tell anyone anyway.

Rogue Brain

2006-09-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

I was in a motorcycle accident once and my doctor said that a small part of my brain was still alive but neurologically cut off from the rest of my brain. It's like there's this part of my brain that is still thinking but I don't know about it.

After the accident, I couldn't remember my last birthday party. I think my rogue brain remembers that party. I hope it was a good party, for my rogue brain's sake. There's probably a bunch of other stuff that my rogue brain remembers that I don't, and vice versa.

Sometimes when I'm asleep I hear a voice that sounds like me screaming "Let me out of here!"

Does anyone know how to communicate with a rogue brain?

Sleeplessness Contest

2006-09-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Once my friends and I were sitting around and we each threw $100 into a betting pool to see who could stay awake the longest. I won by staying awake for over a month, 34 days 7 hours to be exact. I fell asleep in an elevator and people just ignored me all day, they thought I was a bum. I won $500, but I spent at least that much money on energy drinks, so it was a failure except for bragging rights.

Green Beret Bladder Training

2006-09-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've been learning bladder strengthening from a former Green Beret that I know. Actually it's a Korean martial art called Quan Tak Fu Kano, literally, "Ability to not pee for 24 hours straight." Although I'm not planning to use this skill in warfare, it's very handy at the office.

Bug Attacking the Sears Tower

2006-09-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago there was a giant bug attacking the top of the Sears Tower, the tallest building in the US. Police and fire officials responded in force, but later claimed to the media that it was a human fly to cover up the fact that it was really a giant insect.

Twice-Popping Popcorn

2006-09-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

A new strain of genetically-modified popcorn that pops twice has hospitalized 17 people for burst stomachs. The first explosion of the kernal yields ordinary-looking popcorn; the second explosion occurs after the popcorn has been ingested, where it expands up to ten times.

Olga Carnagy was eating popcorn while watching TV at home. "I just finished the bowl, when I heard a little 'pop' inside. Then another little 'pop.' Then five at once. Then they just all went off like firecrackers and my belly swole up like a balloon on a tire pump. I woke up here at St. Catherine's Medical Center. I'm sticking with Jell-o from here on."

Phishing Attacks

2006-09-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

It wasn't widely reported because it was so embarrassing, but the Governor of Wyoming, Dave Freudenthal, was taken in by a phishing email and briefly transferred ownership of the state of Wyoming to a 15 year old computer hacker named Timothy Whitlock.

The fraud was quickly discovered when Timothy tried to cash in the deed to the state at a pay day loans store.

Jay Leno

2006-09-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

According to my sources, Jay Leno really has a thing for water melon. He eats at least 3 a day and usually the set behind his desk on the Tonight Show is littered with watermelon rhines, and he spits seeds during commercial breaks. Also, the steering wheels of his car collection are always sticky because of the watermelon juice.

Black Holes

2006-09-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

I read this paper by Dr. Werner Von Broight who postulates that earthquakes on earth are the result of gravitational eddies created by "starquakes" inside a black hole. Black holes have so much mass they can vibrate space for light years in every direction, but his theory will be hard to prove because nobody can see inside a black hole.

Rap Album

2006-09-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

Sup, yo? Have you heard my rap album? It's called "Thuggin on the Streetz" by me, Brutha Dro. It's about growing up in the hood, it's hard up in here, if you ain't watch your back, the streets'll getcha. Yeea, son. Yea. You want me to rap for you? Yeah, son. Sup... sup. We about to be going into the studio to cut our new album, "Ghetto Nation." Yeah, son. My dad's a lawyer, yo, he hooked us up fat with some studio time, and he gimmie this Lexus, but I bought the rims and stereo by runnin my hoes on the streets. Yea, son. I'm straight pimpin, poppin' collaz, dogg. Naw, dogg, I got to get to class, son... If I'm all late again them haters is gonna call my folks, yo. Peace!

Soybean Oil

2006-09-21T20:21:00.001-07:00

In clinical tests, soybean oil has been shown to cause birth defects and in rare cases, gigantism. So one of my friends started drinking gallons and gallons of it, as much as he could drink. He thought it would make him taller. To be fair he grew like half an inch taller but mostly what happened over the next few months is his arms and legs got really thick and really hairy. His legs looked like furry tree trunks. He weighs 350 pounds now, all muscle.

Church's Chicken

2006-09-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

Once I was behind a Church's Chicken and I saw them carrying in boxes that said "Norepheneprhin" and I looked it up and that's the same chemical veterinarians use to chemically neuter dogs.

Skank

2006-09-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

The term skank originated in Bolivia, where it means "One who carries the odor of a waterfowl."

Gas Mileage

2006-09-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

My uncle built this magnetic grapple for the front of his pickup. He used to get behind semis in their blind spot and then grapple onto them, shut off his engine and put it in neutral and just let them do all the driving. He did this for over two years and averaged 523 miles to the gallon, but finally one day this trucker heard on his CB what was going on and started whipping his trailer back and forth until he slammed the truck into a pylon. The trucker died but my uncle only needed 3 stitches.

Pet Snake

2006-09-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

I used to have this pet boa constrictor and it was wicked cool. It weighed over 300 pounds and I used to feed it cats until the animal shelter caught on to what I was doing, then I had to start giving it snake food instead. My mom made me get rid of it though because once it broke out of it's cage and swallowed our Labrador whole.

Fun Facts About Spock

2006-09-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows Spock, from Star Trek. Here's some fun facts about Spock and Vulcans in General.

Vulcans come from the planet Andor.
The Vulcan word for success is "Quah Plah!"
Vulcans use a series of drugs and electrical probes to keep their violent emotions under control.
Vulcans mate only once every 8 years.
Vulcans are not as strong as humans.
Spock is half vulcan, half Klingon, which is why he has trouble controlling his emotions.
The federation defeated the Vulcans in the year 2303.
Spock defected to the federation during the Great Vulcan War. He was the 15th Vulcan to enter Starfleet.

Bear Attack

2006-09-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

The other day I heard noises in my basement, and I went downstairs with my handgun. I thought it was a raccoon that got in but it was actually a bear that had gotten in through the old coal chute. I started shooting it with my handgun, but those are pretty worthless against a bear, you need a much more powerful round. I emptied all ten rounds out of my clip right into the bear, and then it still had enough strength to try and maul me. I fought it for about 10 minutes before it bled to death. That's where all these cuts came from.

Four Ninjas

2006-09-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

The other night I was sleeping, and four ninjas broke into my bedroom through the window. It took me 15 minutes to fight them all off, and the last guy I fought managed to get a good hit in, which is how I got this black eye.

Edible Packaging

2006-09-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

For a while, during the recycling fad of the 90s, McDonalds was experimenting with edible packaging. The idea was that instead of littering your big mac carton, you would eat it. Of course, they dropped the project when focus groups revealed that customers liked the taste of the package better than the taste of the food.

Words for Snow

2006-09-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

According to a recent report from the International Academy of Linguists, by 2012 Eskimos will have only three words for snow, while the number of words for dirt will be 74.

Copy Machines

2006-09-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has ever used a copy machine knows that they break, a lot. If your car broke that often, you'd show up for work late every day. Copy machine companies sell "service contracts" to keep your copier working. You pay them a flat rate and they fix it, regardless of what's wrong with it.

What you don't know is that each copy machine is programmed with a hidden self destruct sequence. If the right combination of keys is pressed, like 1401, the self destruct is set and the copy machine breaks itself on the next page. It really doesn't matter how, like say someone wants one copy, and then someone wants forty copies, and then, someone else just makes one. BOOM. Self Destruct. But when you get the service contract, they turn off the self destruct code.

World Ended Two Weeks Ago

2006-09-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

The mystic Visham Gunjeeban announced that the world ended on September 6th of this year, but that most people were too busy to notice. "It's a sad comment on our way of life that people are so caught up with their jobs and television that they wouldn't notice as significant event as this," the mystic said. "What will it take to get their attention?"

The official end of the universe occurred at 7:45 pm, GMT on September 6. Since that time, the world has been operating from the parking lot.

CAPNE Demands Boycott

2006-09-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Raymond Singleton, founder of Citizens Against People Named Earl, has announced a boycott against anyone named Earl. "We're going to hit them where it hurts: in the checkbook," said Singleton at a press conference in front of Earl's Barber Shop in Curtis, Ohio, where Singleton pledged not to have a haircut that afternoon.

The owner of the barbershop, Earl Singleton, who is also Raymond's brother, responded to the boycott threat by demanding that Raymond return his train set.

Mafia Burials

2006-09-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

The Mafia has used many methods to dispose of bodies over the years, including the obvious burial in a corn field and cement shoes. Here are some less well known ways the Mafia has disposed of bodies:

1. In 1974, FBI agents uncovered the body of mob informant Jimmy "The Snitch" Sesquano. He had been sealed in a 55 gallon drum of nuclear contaminants and stored in a toxic waste facility for almost 5 years before the material was to be transferred to a tank and the body was discovered. The nuclear waste had caused some strange mutations such as an additional hand growing off of his left hand.

2. In 1993, a massive explosion rocked the quiet suburb of Cicero, IL. Debris was scattered hundreds of feet in every direction. The police pieced together that mob associates Tony DiMico and Victor "The Snow Plow" Trelane had packed the corpse of an unknown victim into a 20 foot long, 3" steel walled pipe along with over 500 pounds of gunpowder. Trelane, a dropout of UIC had majored in physics and believed that this blast would have sufficient strength to blow the corpse into orbit where it could never be found. However, Trelane, who was not a materials science expert didn't realize the force of the blast was also sufficient to blast the bottom end cap off the massive pipe. There were no survivors.

3. In 1929, U.S. postal inspectors discovered the body of Antonio Scataglini stuffed inside a large clay vase. The vase had been addressed to Mafia boss Salvatore Macini in Sicily. It is not known whether the body was being sent as a threat, a gift, or simply as a way to dispose of it.

4. In 1999, an overpowering stench was reported at a grain silo in Milton, Ohio. DNA testing found blood belonging to Rickey "The Squealer" Botosi, an FBI informant in the witness protection program. It is theorized the Rickey The Squealer was thrown into the harvesting end of a combine and pulverized in the combines mechanisms.

Fill In The Lie: Asian Mobile Technology

2006-09-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

[Readers: this is your chance to be creative. Submit comments with your best ending.]

Many Asian countries are years ahead of the United States in mobile phone technology. For example, in South Korea, 89% of adult cell phone users now use their phones to...

Construction Project

2006-09-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

That last contractor who was here, he wanted to charge you $250,000 to do the renovation. I can do it for half that. See, he's licensed, bonded, and insured and all that costs a lot of money. I don't have his high overhead so I can do this job for half that price, but you're going to have to give me all the money up front so I can get materials and pay the laborers. If you write me a check tonight, I can have my guys in here starting work next week, and we can be done in a month.

I Rescued this Kitty from the Mafia

2006-09-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, he's cute isn't he? I rescued him from this Mafia guy who kept him in his backyard tied to a tree. I saw this poor cat out there, but I knew the guy in the house was part of the Mafia, so I threw a cherry bomb in the front yard to create a distraction while I went around the back and cut the chain. But the Mafia guy saw me and started shooting at me. So I hid behind the tree, and when the Mafia guy was re-loading, I took the kitty and ran like hell. That was in another town, but if that Mafia guy ever sees me with this kitty, I'm a dead man.

My Astrologer Says...

2006-09-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

My astrologer says that my combination of sun and moon indicate that I am extremely brilliant and talented and will make a lot of money when my ship comes in.

My astrologer says that I am the reincarnation of Moses, Charlemagne, Leonardo daVinci, Joan of Arc, and Babe Ruth, which is why I am so versatile, creative, and courageous.

My astrologer says that I could be popular enough to be a great world leader.

But right now I don't have enough contacts.